This weekend 1.

Day	Date	Time	Home	Grade	Away	Gound
Saturday	2-April		AVO 1	G45	BYE
Saturday	2-April	11:45	AVO 2	G45	WOY	Frost Reserve 2
Saturday	2-April	13:00	KDS	G45	GOS	Jubilee Oval 1
Saturday	2-April	13:00	BER	G45	KIN 2	Chittaway Oval
Saturday	2-April	13:45	DOY	G45	TER	Doyalson RSL 2
Saturday	2-April	13:45	BUD	G45	KIN 1	Budgewoi FC 1
Sunday	3-April	13:30	DOY	G45	GOS	Doyalson RSL 2
Sunday	3-April	15:00	KDS	G45	BUD	Edsaac Oval North 2

Please be at Chittaway Oval (not Kurraba) by 12:30pm.

Head to Head

In the first big match up for the season, in form Relics 'rage machine' Dallas, is set to lock horns with ex Scottish Ranger's now Berkley Vale debutante Mckinna.

It's a match up that has the punters drooling with anticipation, both men have a reputation of not leaving the park without giving every last drop of sweat.

Mckinna with his fiery Scottish heritage vs the 'rage machine' Dallas, look out folks, its on next Saturday and there wont be much cool at Frost reserve between these two.

11 Team Comp CCF

Regarding the 11 team competition:


There are 11 teams so it will be a 12 team comp with one bye. To play one round takes 11 weeks with each team having in that time 10 games and one bye.


After the split it will be 1 x 6 and 1 x 5 team comps. The 5 team comp will have a bye and these will take 5 weeks to play a round. The points will not be carried over from the first round to after the split.


The "A" competition will consist of 6 teams and the "B" competition consist of 5.


An expression of interest email was sent out regarding the finals series for O45's competitions. With the responses I received - the consensus is that the O45's would like to compete in a finals series so the competition will run with a finals series at the end as per last year.

Line up Trial 4

3pm kick off Narara Valley H.S.

Don't stress about the 10 Game Draw

Hi Guys.

I've been behind the curve on this, and only saw it this morning. There is no way that the CCF will promise 14 games for all and then give us 10. Given my knowledge of comps and the CCF plus some early info from last nights CCF club presidents meeting then:

1. Clubs were only shown the draw last night, but initially seems to be set in concrete provided clashes don't occur

2. The 10 games so far are simply a result of what needs to happen to get each team playing each other once.

3. Clubs will (have) be asked to provide their feedback for what should happen after that including options for split round/ shortened finals to allow more games, gala days etc.

4. Our Senior Football administrator John Manners will be at NHVS on Sat plus I'll catch up with him and club hierarchy on Sat night. Our job is to make sure we understand possible options and that the Club presents them to CCF in a timely and effective manner. I will be involved!


Our opponents on Sat, Wyoming 35's, had a 4 all draw with the Allstars recently. Bring your game brain and energy !
Kindest to all

Draw is up on CCF site

Latest Results

Round

Date

Home Club

Team

Goals

Away Club

Team

Goals

Division

W/L

Ground

Upcoming Games

Round	Date	Time	Home Club		Team	Away Club		Team	Division	Ground
1	2nd Apr '11	13:00	Berkeley Vale		M45A	Kincumber		M45A-2	A	not Kurraba Oval 2
2	9th Apr '11	15:15	Kincumber		M45A-2	Doyalson		M45A	A	Frost Reserve 2
11	10th Apr '11	13:00	Avoca		M45A-1	Kincumber		M45A-2	A	Frost Reserve 3
3	16th Apr '11	12:00	Kincumber		M45A-2	Killarney		M45A	A	Frost Reserve 3
4	30th Apr '11	15:15	Kincumber		M45A-1	Kincumber		M45A-2	A	Frost Reserve 1
5	7th May '11	13:45	Kincumber		M45A-2	Woy Woy		M45A	A	Frost Reserve 1
6	14th May '11	13:45	Avoca		M45A-2	Kincumber		M45A-2	A	Frost Reserve 2
7	21st May '11	13:30	Kincumber		M45A-2	Budgewoi		M45A	A	Frost Reserve 2
8	28th May '11	13:45	Gosford		M45A	Kincumber		M45A-2	A	Gavenlock Oval 2
9	4th Jun '11	15:00	Kincumber		M45A-2	Terrigal		M45A	A	Frost Reserve 1
10	11th Jun '11				Bye	Kincumber		M45A-2	A

M45 Division A Table

Team	Played	Won	Drawn	Lost	GF	GA	Points
Woy Woy A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Terrigal A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Kincumber A-2	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Kincumber A-1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Killarney A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Gosford A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Doyalson A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Budgewoi A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Berkeley Vale A	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Avoca A-2	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Avoca A-1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

Glory days may be over.

Once a star Striker, then hero Fullback.

The question is...'Has his absence earned him a position on the bench?'  

Need a hug mate?

Rains Saves 35s

The rain has saved the 35s from a humiliating defeat.

Line up Trial 3

CANCELLED

Henry Kendall HS is NOT Gosford HS

Cnr of Racecourse Rd & Batley St, between Hospital and Tennis courts.

PARK IN BATLEY ST. (Side gate entrance)

Relics Give Youngsters a Lesson

The Relics have continued their sparkling pre-season form with a solid 1-0 win over an eager Southern Ettalong United O/35s at Narara Valley High School.

The Relics, seemingly strengthened by the unavailability of Whiz, Dallas, Dukes and Statue, pushed themselves hard in sweltering heat to give their much younger foe a footballing lesson. Everything seemed to be against the Relics: age; heat; a fresh bench (SEU had eight the Relics had two); and the referee (a blind bungling Bung). Despite these setbacks the win was comprehensive.

Coach Old Crow was beaming post-match, gushing praise on his aged warriors (apparently he won $50 with a bet with the opposing coach). His joy, however, paled in comparison to the sheer queer delight expressed by Smokey and Toe (see story below). Note to Relics – Shadow and Caviar were appalled by this behaviour and would like to stress it is not characteristic of the backs in general.

The win was built around their fortress-like defence. Shadow, Toe, Smokey, and Caviar were sensational. Everything that SEU threw at them, the boys at the back returned with interest! The much younger and faster SEU strikers never looked like scoring.

The Relics goal was scored after Mickledildo saw an opening and thrust a shot into the top left corner of the goal.

Everyone had strong games with Hat, Axe, Blackbeard and Howler acquitting themselves well in the heat.

Josh also did a great job fishing the balls out of the channel.

Becks

Hows to Make A Statue jealous !!

After a successful 1-0 demolition of the combined might of Southerns Over 35s teams, it is understandable that our 13 players would be tired. SEU had a squad of 21 who couldnt break the impentrable defence, ably assisted by our stand in keeper "Bloss". The combination of heat and long grass was understandably tiring, but not so much that the lads couldn't engage in further hi jinks. In the absence of our regular statue, Tony stripped off whilst Grant snapped on the latex gloves and applied the lubricant. What we didn't expect of Butts in his standin role (hur ,hur get in stand in!!) was for him to develop a smile as well. Obviously Statue has rubbed off on us more than we'd thought. A great days guys, well done. Also note that due to popular acclaim we will now play next Saturday, same time same place.

Line up Trial 2

Crowson- Osieck. Co-incidence? I Think Not !

Those who have been following Blackbeards post about his rejection by our national coach will have noticed that I originally suggested Arnold may wish to borrow from Crowch's playbook.

Now we find that not only has Blackbeard been hobnobbing with Holger but that Crowch has been secretly meeting to share his playbook.!! WTF ?

The evidence is presented here. No wonder Blackbeard couldn't get a look in, Holger has already consulted Crowch! Its well known that Crowson is originally derived from German, simply being an anglicization of "Krauts son". I can understand that Holger is impressed by Pete's methods, the fact that the Relics can string two passes together given our team make up is a mighty coaching effort. Pete can deny it all he wishes, but who else gets the private ear of the national coach, rather than just hogging photo opportunties? Are we in danger of losing our Coach to the Socceroos? Despite his surname, existing Socceroos assistant coach, Vidmar, is Australian, and I can understand Osieck wishing to bolster his playing style by having an assistant who is a descendant of his country. Don't do it Pete, your team needs you way more than your Country. CapnHat

Blackbeard turns down Holger's Offer

Talks broke down between the National Coach and Blackbeard in regard to his socceroo call up.

It is believed there was a disagreement in regard to the design of a green and gold bandana.

Blackbeard also sighted that 'The Relics' were an internationally recognised outfit and he was not prepared to compromise the great deal he had signed with 'The Brains Trust'

Reporter Bud Wiser

So there you go guys, look like you are stuck with me.

Coach and Assistant Coach at Loggerheads

Former Kincumber great and Relics’ Assistant Coach Max ‘Bung’ Bourne has launched a scathing attack on the Relics after a narrow, but convincing 3-2 trail win against the Gosford Cavemen at Narara Valley HS yesterday. He described the team’s effort as “pathetic” and “lacking class”. This criticism has placed Bung at odds with Coach Old Crow who described the win as a “great first hit out”.

Bung became more and more agitated as the match progressed (and the esky emptied), continually barking suggestions from the sideline. Bung was particularly incensed with Howler and his positional play and Ball for “not keeping his head up”. He also described Sulo as “pedestrian”. To their credit, and obviously recognising their own limitations, Howler, Ball and Sulo sought out Bung post-match to seek some further guidance on how they could improve their respective performances. Bung was more than happy to oblige.

The Relics’ were on the back foot early being down 2-0 after two minutes. Despite this early set back the Relics never really looked troubled and were able to maintain possession with ease. After some great lead up work the Axe was able to chop his way through the Cavemen defence to steer a great through ball from Dukes into the back of the net. This was the first goal of a double for the Relics’ form striker. The Relics went to the first quarter break down 2-1 but they should have been four or five goals up. Dukes, Mickledildo and Whiz all missed simple chances from in front of the goals.

In the second quarter the Relics’ were able to draw even after Dukes converted a penalty. Again, the Relics’ dominated possession and could have scored numerous times but some great goal keeping from the Cavemen goalie saved the day for them.

The third quarter was a scrappy affair. The Relics’ seemed to lose their width with the midfield becoming goal hungry relishing the opportunity for individual glory. Darchinyan in particular nearly wore out his right boot taking unlikely shots from all angles.

In the final quarter the Relics’ reverted back to their team game and it wasn’t long before the Axe loomed onto a ball in the box to seal the victory.

All in all this was a great hit out for the Relics’ and when they played as a unit the midfield looked great combining well with the backs and the strikers.

Congratulations too to Statue and Dallas who, although missing the match, represented the RFS and Ambos respectively with distinction on parade.

Becks

Socceroo call up could spell trouble for Relics

Holger Osiek and Relics midfielder Blackbeard (pictured left) were this evening in a meeting discussing what possibly could be a Socceroos call up for the ageing midfielder "You cant always look at age in these matters, it is the type of player that is needed that is more of a concern to me, Blackbeard could fill that role currently left vacant by Vince Grella" stated the National Coach.


The Brains Trust have been trying to contact Blackbeard but he is not taking calls.

The Relics await further news on what decision their marquee midfielder will make.

Sports Reporter - Bud Wiser

Guys, I wanted you to see this first before things get out of hand - Blackbeard

Where's The Team's Match Diagram?

Come on 'Brains Trust' you know we are totally lost without your sketch showing where we are playing.

The Strength of the Wolf is the Pack

We will have our Relics strip for our first game on Sat.

Please let us know if you can not make the trial.

Speaking of look-a-likes...

The following is a dead ringer for Mickledildo!

Lookalike

Whilst browsing a few old Who songs on U-tube and seeing Pete Townsend I had that eery feeling that he was about to yell on field instructions to me, it was then I noted the similarity of these two characters.
Agree, disagree ? Couldn't give a hoot?

Relics 2011 Form Guide

As season 2011 approaches, and after three pre-season training runs, it is time to run a form eye over each Relic.
2. Dukes – Was safe as a bank as sweeper but rumoured to be striker in 2011. Old Crow is looking for more strike power up front but will this leave a hole in defence – time will tell. Has looked sharp at training but still disappoints post match with his aversion to the amber ale. Will look the winner at some stage.
3. Wreckin’ Ball – Has trained hard in the off season with the Mundine camp and will be ready for any rough stuff that comes his way in 2011. Former hockey international who still goes for his stick in pressure moments. Could be in for a big year. One to watch.
4. Wild Thing – Has worked hard in the off-season and looks to have lost at least 40 kg. An imposing figure in both defence and attack. Has obviously been working with his brother-in-law on his skills. Gives no quarter and hates sulo bins! Will make his presence felt.
5. Old Crow – Almost unanimous choice as player-coach in 2011. Commands some respect. An old head on old shoulders. The Zvonimir "Ralé" Rašić of the 45s division. Picked up the nickname Old Crow, not because his surname is Crowson, but because he actually looks like an old crow! One for the multiples.
6. The Toe – Veteran defender. A smiling assassin who always arrives in the nick of time to thwart opposition attacking forays. A crowd favourite who lives for the limelight. Consistent. Look to him to have another great year. Sponsored by Kincumber Podiatry. Keep safe.
7. Becks – Superstar. The Black Caviar of 45s football. The one to beat.
8. Shadow – More starts than a Victa lawnmower. Aging tyro who maintains his zest for football. Spent the off-season on stud duties and seems to have grown an extra leg! Mentor to younger Relics. A team man in a team game. Look for the Shadow to lift the team when the going gets tough. Take on trust.
9. Howler – Turned 50 in secret several weeks ago. Makes him 9 in human years. Has an advantage in that he can lick his own nuts! Speed to burn but hampered in the pre-season with a hamstring injury – his hamstring beats 70 times a minute at rest! Might find the others too classy.
10. Statue – Shook of rumours about his sexuality by appearing semi naked, with hose in hand, in the 2010 RFS male calendar. Old Crow unsure whether he is better at the back or upfront. Fellow Relics have said neither! Loves having a shot and unflappable in defence. Look to him to again be a strong performer in 2011. Keep safe.
11. Blackbeard – A spirited Relic who has a fitness edge on his rivals. Renown for long piercing rapier-like runs in attack. Adds strength to the Relics midfield. Plundered a number of goals in 2010 and sure to do the same in 2011. A safe bet.
12. The Axe – Juvenile of the field. Runs like an injured razorback. A great team player who gives nothing less than 100%. Skills have developed markedly in recent seasons. Sports TAB have The Axe at $2.30 and favourite to be the top scorer for 2011. Has been banned from bringing his mobile phone on course. Watch market moves.
13. Mickledildo – Returns to the Relics after a year in the wilderness. Has become a full-time footballer in his quest to try and regain the central midfielder position for the Relics. Look to him to penetrate in 2011. Will have plenty of shots on goal but conversion rate could be a problem. Look for a spirited run.
14. Darchinyan – Reigning 45s Player of the Year! Light-flyweight. Pound for pound one of the best going around. Will appreciate working with Dukes upfront. Very pretty footwork and skills on the ball. Look to Darchinyan to punch a few in the back of the net in 2011. Market mover.
15. Smokey – 2010 rookie who has started 2011 where he left off in 2010. Had a memorable year in goals in 2010. Old Crow looking at his options for Smokey in 2011. Looks to be developing great defensive skills. A smokey for players’ player in 2011. Drawn a bad alley.
16. The Hat – Tasmanian who swapped the Sherrin for a Mitre some years back. Many think this was a silly decision – but not his fellow Relics. Rules the left side of the park! Has looked sharp at training. Look to him to dominate his opposing number. I’m sure we will be tipping our hats to The Hat in 2011. Up in the weights.
17. Whizz aka Beer Bitch – On loan from Wyong FC. Looks to have stripped fitter for 2011 and this should take some pressure of his ‘glass’ ankles. Pre-season form looks promising but will need to lift his game in the bitchin’ department. Shows promise but injury prone! Week to week proposition. Prefer to see.
18. Dallas – The enforcer. Had trouble with ‘roid rage in 2010. Still awaiting the analysis of the ‘b’ sample taken by CC Football at the end of the 2010. Could be scratched for the season. If this is the case the Relics will miss his no nonsense attitude. Fingers crossed that Dallas gets a start. Returning from suspension.

$100 Club.

Hi guys

We will be doing the $100 collection again this year, it will go towards ref fees and w/e away.  You can if you like pay in installments just see me to have your name crossed off.

Relic Drowns During Training

Despite being used to ingesting vast quantities of liquid, the Relics found conditions difficult during Saturdays get together. From the 42 degree heat, of the previous the weekend, we then had to cope with ankle deep water and pelting rain a week later. It would be fair to say we've seen most of mother natures underbelly. Coach Crowch, demonstrating his normal common sense, only got out of his car once everybody else was saturated. Howler used the tried and tested "my hammys sore" excuse to display the sartorial elegance of a mid thigh raincoat in a touching shade of blue. It was slightly gathered at the waist with a tuck at the back and was complemented by a fetching set of boots.

The rest of us got on with the game, but showed why the break is too long, as the touches were quite rusty, or did the water cause that? Wild Thing showed his future Manager potential (note that for next year guys) by setting up a shelter, but forgot to sandbag it!! New BB Wiz excelled although it was noted that he left the esky in the open, vulnerable to pilfering or cosmic rays. Note to BB, always keep the Esky protected.!!Next week same place, same time but without CapNHat whos going to visit his 402,000 relatives in Tassie.

Practice Matches- Keep these Times Free

Hi Guys.

As mentioned last Saturday, we have 3 practice matches scheduled for March as follows:

Saturday 5 March Kickoff 3pm
Saturday 12 March Kickoff 3pm
Saturday 26 March Kickoff 3pm

Opponents yet to be confirmed but we are hoping to play Gosford O 45, Southern 35C and Doyalson O 45.

Please note dates for your diaries.

Don't forget rego this Saturday and Sunday as well.

CapnHat

Reds Down Blues at the Bridge

Up 50 million pound from the sale of the little bull (thanks Chelsea) the Reds stamped their authority over a lack lustre looking Chelsea.
Go you Reds.
No need to comment Mick, just pack your Chelsea gear away!

Unamed Relic Collapses in Heat

An unamed Relic has collapsed after a two-hour training session in 45 degree heat.



The Relic, obviously feeling a little dehydrated, stripped bare to try and cool himself and collapsed. Luckily, Relic ambos Dallas and Blackbeard were on hand to provide the 'kiss of life'.

It is understood the unamed Relic quickly rehydrated with a dozen Tooheys and is looking forward to training next Saturday.

Memo to Whiz

Start stocking the Eskies!

Max replacement

Sorry for previous post fellas.
Forget the football. As I am supposed to be a replacement for Max I have sharpened up my skills.
Yes I have been caught in the middle of a serious training session supervised by the Bungster himself. Note the superior hand position and interlocking lip hold. I think it took a further 6 hours to before Max was satisfied that I could even contemplate a bench position in his spot. (he is a hard task master).
After much tooing and frooing this was the conclusion. (dress up compulsory).
Umm we swapped at halftime BTW

Return of the Prodigal

HEEEEEEES BAAAACK. Bigger and much, much annoying than ever.
I will not keep my undies on in the changeroom and if you think the picture attached is offensive, grow a pair, I stole it from Statue's private 'Ramon' stash. CHELSEA FC WIIL win the premiership as all the other teams are PremierSHIT.
Call me any name you want I am just happy to be back with a great bunch of blokes. Just remember the call sign 'Give me the ball'

Maybe Capt, Hat has alluded to a new name for me with his Dildo aspersion (aversion?). How about "Coke" cause like Capt Hat you have all missed out on 'The Real Thing ' Hahaha

Bung out, Dildo in !!

As recently reported, the Relics have sadly lost a major contributor both on the field and to the Esky, Bung, (Max )is unable to play this season.

At a meetingof the LBT (Limited Brains Trust) last night, Crowch, Darchinyan and CapnHat decided to succumb to the relentless pressure and let the Dildo in. MickleDildo (Mick Tempest) was a former member of the team and has played with Vic and me for over 12 seasons. For reasons only understood by a clinical psychologist, he decided to prove he still had it last year by playing in the 35's. Since then he's been like a boy at a candy shop, licking the window and wanting to get back in. We discussed getting a good footballer, somebody who would pass and score goals, but decided we couldnt possibly bear the tongues in ear from the Dildo if we didnt. Thus the Dildo aspersion, a substitute for the real thing!!

Welcome back Mick, not that you ever properly left!! Capn Hat

A Relic Retires

Due to the shortened football season and his work commitments, Max has had no choice but to retire from the team.

Although we may miss him on the field, we will not miss him off the field as he plans to be the Relics No.1 supporter and retain his leading roll in emptying the esky.

Thanks Max for your contribution to the team, see you soon.

And, I guess that leaves an opening in the team for a new (old) player, I wonder if anyone is interested, hmm...

P.s. Thumbs down to the CCF Association who have decided to make their job easier by shortening the season.

Due to the bad weather, last year was a bad year for many teams who missed playing a third or more of their games. Which not only ment an uneven comp but an expensive one as well.

This year we don't have to worry about the weather anymore because CCF has guaranteed a bad year to most of the football teams they are supposed to be working for.

Too much excitement for an ageing Relic

Last week Gemma and her NSW Futsal side ( indoor soccer ) took out the National Title and over 4 days of competition they were undeafeted , which was exciting enough BUT today she got a letter to say she has made the

National u/15's team. WOW WOW WOW

That's my girl.

New Bitch Fails at First Test

The 2011 Beer Bitch has failed his first test. Twenty thirsty Relics were disappointed following the non-appearance of the phantom BB at their post Christmas Boot Camp. The boys were left high and dry after a solid twenty minute hit out at Frost (luckily Crowch had an esky full of beer in his boot). The only Relic who could manage half a smile was Dallas. A family holiday is no excuse Mr Bitch!

Whilst on the boot camp is was great to see the Relics, older and wiser, preparing for season 2011. Banker obviously enjoyed the Christmas ham and turkey, whilst Darchinyan actually looked to have lost weight over the festive season. Crowch was his usual self, barking orders left, right and centre. The Axe seems to have come through the break unscathed (we still have new year to contend with) and again displayed the same deft touches that have become his hallmark. Mickledinho, tried hard obviously keen to impress Relics selectors. Bung, however, was missing in action.

Tuesdays Get Together

Reminder to not wear any Kincumber gear and that I will bring eskies.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

And gentlemen, don't forget the get together on the 28th we have plenty coming but haven't heard from the new BB as yet.



P.s. message emailed to everyone from Becks:

Does anyone want to catch up for a kick around and a beer between Christmas and New Year? What about 5.00pm on 28 December at Frost?  Kick for 10 minutes drink for 2 hours.  Maybe it could be the new Bitch's first job for the new season!
Becks