Relics 2011 Form Guide

As season 2011 approaches, and after three pre-season training runs, it is time to run a form eye over each Relic.
2. Dukes – Was safe as a bank as sweeper but rumoured to be striker in 2011. Old Crow is looking for more strike power up front but will this leave a hole in defence – time will tell. Has looked sharp at training but still disappoints post match with his aversion to the amber ale. Will look the winner at some stage.
3. Wreckin’ Ball – Has trained hard in the off season with the Mundine camp and will be ready for any rough stuff that comes his way in 2011. Former hockey international who still goes for his stick in pressure moments. Could be in for a big year. One to watch.
4. Wild Thing – Has worked hard in the off-season and looks to have lost at least 40 kg. An imposing figure in both defence and attack. Has obviously been working with his brother-in-law on his skills. Gives no quarter and hates sulo bins! Will make his presence felt.
5. Old Crow – Almost unanimous choice as player-coach in 2011. Commands some respect. An old head on old shoulders. The Zvonimir "Ralé" Rašić of the 45s division. Picked up the nickname Old Crow, not because his surname is Crowson, but because he actually looks like an old crow! One for the multiples.
6. The Toe – Veteran defender. A smiling assassin who always arrives in the nick of time to thwart opposition attacking forays. A crowd favourite who lives for the limelight. Consistent. Look to him to have another great year. Sponsored by Kincumber Podiatry. Keep safe.
7. Becks – Superstar. The Black Caviar of 45s football. The one to beat.
8. Shadow – More starts than a Victa lawnmower. Aging tyro who maintains his zest for football. Spent the off-season on stud duties and seems to have grown an extra leg! Mentor to younger Relics. A team man in a team game. Look for the Shadow to lift the team when the going gets tough. Take on trust.
9. Howler – Turned 50 in secret several weeks ago. Makes him 9 in human years. Has an advantage in that he can lick his own nuts! Speed to burn but hampered in the pre-season with a hamstring injury – his hamstring beats 70 times a minute at rest! Might find the others too classy.
10. Statue – Shook of rumours about his sexuality by appearing semi naked, with hose in hand, in the 2010 RFS male calendar. Old Crow unsure whether he is better at the back or upfront. Fellow Relics have said neither! Loves having a shot and unflappable in defence. Look to him to again be a strong performer in 2011. Keep safe.
11. Blackbeard – A spirited Relic who has a fitness edge on his rivals. Renown for long piercing rapier-like runs in attack. Adds strength to the Relics midfield. Plundered a number of goals in 2010 and sure to do the same in 2011. A safe bet.
12. The Axe – Juvenile of the field. Runs like an injured razorback. A great team player who gives nothing less than 100%. Skills have developed markedly in recent seasons. Sports TAB have The Axe at $2.30 and favourite to be the top scorer for 2011. Has been banned from bringing his mobile phone on course. Watch market moves.
13. Mickledildo – Returns to the Relics after a year in the wilderness. Has become a full-time footballer in his quest to try and regain the central midfielder position for the Relics. Look to him to penetrate in 2011. Will have plenty of shots on goal but conversion rate could be a problem. Look for a spirited run.
14. Darchinyan – Reigning 45s Player of the Year! Light-flyweight. Pound for pound one of the best going around. Will appreciate working with Dukes upfront. Very pretty footwork and skills on the ball. Look to Darchinyan to punch a few in the back of the net in 2011. Market mover.
15. Smokey – 2010 rookie who has started 2011 where he left off in 2010. Had a memorable year in goals in 2010. Old Crow looking at his options for Smokey in 2011. Looks to be developing great defensive skills. A smokey for players’ player in 2011. Drawn a bad alley.
16. The Hat – Tasmanian who swapped the Sherrin for a Mitre some years back. Many think this was a silly decision – but not his fellow Relics. Rules the left side of the park! Has looked sharp at training. Look to him to dominate his opposing number. I’m sure we will be tipping our hats to The Hat in 2011. Up in the weights.
17. Whizz aka Beer Bitch – On loan from Wyong FC. Looks to have stripped fitter for 2011 and this should take some pressure of his ‘glass’ ankles. Pre-season form looks promising but will need to lift his game in the bitchin’ department. Shows promise but injury prone! Week to week proposition. Prefer to see.
18. Dallas – The enforcer. Had trouble with ‘roid rage in 2010. Still awaiting the analysis of the ‘b’ sample taken by CC Football at the end of the 2010. Could be scratched for the season. If this is the case the Relics will miss his no nonsense attitude. Fingers crossed that Dallas gets a start. Returning from suspension.