Just Passing

I was passing Frost on Saturday with Posh and the kids and noticed the Relics hard at work against the Gumbies.

I pulled over expecting the usual biff and barge I had come to expect when the Relics play their toothless, knuckle dragging, slack jaw cousins from just north. This was not to be the case, at least in the first half. High pants' brother, some lame brain with a whistle decided to turn the match into a Sunday school lesson. What a joke - friendly banter and exuberance was met with yellow and red cards. Both teams, rather than the usual dribble of obscenities, just dribbled (and not with their feet). Time hardened footballers became timid and weak, meek and mild. Tolly was lost for words. He had never spoken a full sentence without using the word f**k. The best Blackbeard could do was a stutter. Ball looked like a lost mute. The Jet Plane spoke a different tongue. Mickledildo looked for a teddy to cuddle. Dallas was just happy to get game time.  Bin trying to suck up to the ref cried, "c'mon lads, let's dig in and play with gusto and determination, tally ho" at which the Relics thought - what a wanker but were too afraid to say it or else they would be in the naughty corner too.

Half-time couldn't come quick enough for the 20 men remaining on the field. The choir-boy ref dispatched his assistants to listen-in to the half-time talks just in case there was an audible obscenity to which the linesman amongst the Relics said, "who the f**k is this c**k suc*er"

By the time the second half started most of the crowd had left as they too had received a warning from Polly Anna. The game meandered from bad to worse with both Relic and Gumbie alike unable to get into their a rhythm because it is almost impossible for fat old men to kick a ball and not swear at each other or themselves.

Then along came the Cassius Clay of Kincumber, the Muhammad of McMasters who had simply had enough!  Sick and tired of the sad and disgraceful ebb the game had fallen into decided to “float like a bee, sting like a flea” and breathe some fire into the lack lustre spoiled contest.  For at least three minutes this match reached the fantastic heights set by numerous previous encounters over the last six or seven years between these great rivals.  Hooray for Howler and hooray for the left back from Gumbie land.

For mine, if I had a vote for the annual Statue Award my vote would go to Howler.  He wasn’t about to let an impotent ref get in the way of the true Relics spirit!

In case anyone is interested Coops scored a great goal and I missed the goal from Waz. Now back to work on my handicap – of which there are many!

Becks

Round 14 match report

Firstly I would like to say sorry to all the Relic blog followers out there for not providing a match report after last weeks stimulating win over the lowly placed East Gosford. I for one did not realise that there were so many other people out there that don't have a life, to you all, I offer my sincere condolences and hope that I can serve you better in the future.
The RELICS like any other big name sporting franchise in the world can have problems from time to time within the ranks, running a smooth ship takes a dedicated captain and a skilled crew that can work together for the greater good without focusing just on personal goals. The Relics under Captain Philby this year have generally shown all the attributes necessary to win this competition, the squad has been tight and the results have come. But coming into the home straight the Relics are starting to hit some choppy waters.
Scottish super star Jambo was the first leak in the boat when he decided he'd rather work for a living than play a measly few minutes for the Relics, unfortunately no one in the side could understand his reasons for not playing anymore cause no one in the team understands Scottish, apart from Macca when he's pissed, but then no one in the team understands Macca when he's pissed either.
Next ripple to hit the Relic ship came from Banker who decided that although he had played with a stuffed pancreas for the last 5 years, now was the time to have it fixed! Man Up Boy! Many a Relic Has played out a full season without vital organs such as say....... Hearts and the odd liver, look at Posh he had no internal organs at all and he still turned up (unfortunately).
Coming into the game against arch rivals Avoca the Relics lost further players through injury or holidays and were looking a little bit vulnerable. Roy was off to a sexpo in Thailand and no one in the team begrudged him of that, Pulloweski on the other hand had a reoccurrence of the rectum tear that has plagued him all year and the team were happy with that. Smokey went down at training like a sniper had shot him, breaking his ankle and ending his season, a shame because he was playing the best he's ever played and the team were disappointed with that.
Regardless Coach Philby turned up at the new look Frost Reserve bowling greens with his happy face on, victory over the old foe would keep the Relics in equal 1st place with Two Heads Toukley, which meant the last game of the year would determine the minor ( some say major ) premiership. But firstly the Relics had to kick some Gumbie arse!!

Going for 10 wins in a row, something Ange and the Soccerooos could only dream about, Philby and his band of oddbods were quietly confident of knocking Avoca over, losing super boot Pulloweski only hours before kick off the super coach pulled out another selection masterstroke and threw Steady Ian up front. Steady, who had the previous week borne the brunt of Pulloweski's insistent calls for the ball at every opportunity must have thought he had gone to heaven, moving up to the pilots seat. Steady was now in a position to unload on the flight crew located in the midfield and demand the ball at every opportunity like a real striker should! To his credit he played the position with impunity and did his best in what turned out to be a tight first half with very few opportunities to either side.

Whilst the players were having little impact on the game the Ref was having a great time. Obviously a devout Mormon or Christian or Wowser stuck in a time warp when swearing was a capital offence punishable by death or at the least a red card, the ref ignored the fact that he had two geriatric football teams that only had one real skill left in them..... the ability to swear, and fuckin swear well, for fuckin gods fuckin sake fuck.

First man down was Macca, for gods sake this bloke swears in his sleep !!  He was red carded for saying to the Avoca striker " hey your pants are a bit fuckin high Harry" whats wrong with that Ref??? 

Five minutes later Avoca's little angry ant Sammy was overheard by the Ref castigating himself about the fact he had a small fuckin dick ! Hey Ref can't you even swear at you own dick??? The game was becoming a bloody circus (sorry ref didn't mean to swear then).

Both teams retired to the sidelines at half time and washed their mouths out with soap, the Ref was happy now and blew the whistle to start the circus up again. It didn't take long and Coops who had moved up front for the second half showed his class by not swearing as he kicked a great low trajectory strike past the Avoca keeper. Howler celebrated by screaming " great fuckin goal Coops" and was duly yellow carded.

Much like their last 9 wins the Relics seemed in total control of the match with everyone doing their jobs, even Big Bob had done his bit in the first half pulling off a great reflex save, he spent the rest of the game quietly swearing about the ref to himself.

Taking the swearing out of the game, the Ref obviously hadn't factored in, that without the discharge of emotion that swearing provides, emotions were likely to over flow in other more dramatic circumstances. It didn't take long for Howler and an Avoca antagonist to realise that without the swearing when abusing each other it just wasn't the same. "Your a poo bum" and " What are you lookin at dumb head" just don't have the same ring to them without the expletives. Stuff this they decided lets punch on instead, and so they did. Unfortunately the result was the same with both of them copping a red card.

Down to nine a side the game was expected to open up with goals on the agenda, it didn't really with both sides too tired to do much. Special guest The Prince of the Midfield, on loan from several teams, made his presence felt with a great long range bomb that dropped onto the unsuspecting keeper who pushed it into the back of the net, well done Wheats... sorry Whiz. Great goal!

A strong team effort again from the Relics. Next weeks big game against Toukley Two Heads for the premiership will be tough, the Relics are resigned to losing Macca & Howler for this game & Coops having limped off is also under a cloud. The rest of the team though are playing great and with golden boot Pulloweski due back next week the team has every chance to win. Good luck guys and remember...... NO FUCKIN SWEARING!!!!! 

Round 12  Relics V Woy Woy

The world of soccer is a fickle place, many pundits had Brazil as favourites to win the world cup, some predicted the Aussies would be cannon fodder in their pool, some people even had the audacity to write off the RELICS in a competition some people still believe to be the pinnacle of soccer competitions world wide. "Write the Relics off at your own peril", mumbled some homeless dude as he sifted through the rubbish at Kincumber Tip, "Mark my words, they'll be there at the finish" he said as he elbowed a seagull away from the 5 day old subway roll he'd just uncovered.
Can anyone believe the Relics have won their last 8 games in a row? It only seems like yesterday the Relics were licking their wounds after a 6 - 1 smashing by the Two Heads from Toukley.

For those of you who have lived in a glove box for the last 8 weeks, the Relics are peaking at the right end of the season.
Their last few games has shown the improvement in the team with everyone playing with confidence & enthusiasm, each week the Relics have to overcome an obstacle or two as players drop out through work commitments or injury, but to the teams credit each player that takes to the pitch has given 100% and bought home the bacon......... sorry homeless dude none for you !!
Training at Tuggerah 5 & 7s complex is probably a major reason behind the Relics run as the one hour hitout is a great fitness improver for those that have regularly turned up. Training from now on into the finals will return to Fagans park as coach Philby & trainer Shadow look to easing the strain on the team physically and improving the beer kitty before the end of year trip.
The line up against Woy Woy this game changed again last minute with players unavailable, the ever reliable Banker suffering from an overdose of Coke a Cola pulled a pancreas muscle and is out for the season," should have put bourbon in that coke son", lamented the Homeless dude. The rest of the Relics lamented the loss of an integral part of the team & wish Banker a speedy recovery!!!
Meanwhile Pulloweski announced his return from a rectum tear suffered from celebrating too hard after his last OUTING against Ourimbah where he nailed a hatrick. Super coach Philby jiggled the roster and the Relics did the rest.
The last meeting between these two sides was close with the Relics sneaking home with 2 late goals to win, this time it was all Relics, WW never looked like scoring in a game where Big Bob in goals had time to have a few of his favourite girls come down from Asian Star give him a massage and a pedicure without anyone noticing.
The first half was all Relics with attack at the top of the agenda, the only thing holding them back from scoring was the incomplete passing and confusion up front, Things finally settled down up front after a few heated words were spoken and the shots started to come, Pulloweski fired a shot in and it dribbled past Woy Woys keeper the Fat Controller, the big unit couldn't bend past his gut and stop what could be the slowest shot in history.

Some great crosses followed as both Howler & Tolley fired up from both sides of the field and were unlucky not to provide goals to the recipients in front of goal, Pulloweski showed his class with a fine header that hit the crossbar and Howler showed his class by missing Tolley's cross ball altogether.

Second half and the Relics continued their domination, Philby was running around like a madwomen on ice, tackling, chasing , tongueing anyone or anything he could get close to, at the back Smokey was playing himself into contention for best player in the comp with the skinniest legs, proving that playing 80 minutes wasn't beyond a fifty year old, alcoholic, heavy smoker, that can't make it thru a full training session. Well done Smokey !! best game ever!!

Meanwhile Ball was taking the position of Bankers bitch seriously, barking orders to his fellow backs and rallying the troops, & whilst Dildo didn't always agree, the backs gelled well and never looked like cracking.

The Prince of the midfield made an appearance, coincidentally against WW again, and proved to be a huge asset to the Relics, providing control and direction, The Prince was a subtle but significant influence in the Relics improvement as the game unfolded.

The Relics banged in two more goals in the second half, much to missus Howlers delight, she schemed in her mind how she would reward her Hubby's efforts that night, maybe a nice dinner? a seductive candlelit bath together? in the end she decided a bottle of red & a sleeping pill should shut him up, and Howler slept soundly dreaming of the hatrick that got away.

The Relics are proving to be the Real Deal, just don't tell Evander Holyfield.

Toukley's loss has the two teams equal 1st, but there is a long way to go for the Relics yet, everyone needs to keep their heads on and not get carried away. Well Done boys!!

This report bought to you by Howler, proudly sponsored by Pepperjack Shiraz, & would like to thank Toe's input.

Round 11 Relics V Kanwal match report

Never in Relics recent history (4 years) have the Relics flown in such rarefied air as to be sitting 2nd on the ladder in one of the most competitive and classy football competitions on the planet. Forget the world cup, forget state of origin, forget the under 12s netball comp at Adcock Park, we are talking competition at the upper echelon of all sports.
Once again going into the match against Kanwal without some of their superstars the Relics could have been forgiven for thinking their chances were a little slim, Pullo having scored 3 goals at their last outing obviously celebrated too hard and tore a rectum muscle midweek, Tolly on the other hand couldn't lift his boots due to the amount of stones in them and Brian having played the final 3 minutes of last week's game was exhausted.
Luckily the Relics are blessed with tougher men than these, & could carry the fight to the Plucky Kanwal bogans.

Super coach Philby jiggled and tweaked the roster and came up with a masterstroke starting line up that had the huge crowd of Relic faithfuls biting at the bit. Who in their right mind replaces a striker genius like Pulloweski with a fullback like Roy? PHILBY that's who !!! What a masterstoke ! Forget ANGE, lets see PHILBY coaching at the next world cup, the man has the gift of getting the best out of everyone that bends to his philosophy of bending over. Well done Super coach and well done Roy ! Roy took the challenge in his stride and didn't let anyone down, in fact he looked more comfortable than most of his predecessors in the position, even if he was bent over!

The Relics certainly have gone to another level in this competition, having smashed Ourimbah the week before 4 zip, I Think this team has finally found their feet ( just suck your guts in boys before you look down ) this team can really go the distance.

A big part of that philosophy has come from everyone agreeing with the basic idea that we all play for each other, there is no superstar in this team, everyone has something to contribute and while we all can still make mistakes, we get over it!

The Relics looked pretty good in this game, the frontline of Coops, Roy & Howler dominated the Bogans every time they got the ball, Coops in particular tore the left side apart and Roy was always ready for action in front of the posts, unlucky not to score on a couple of occasions Roy didn't give up & was always in position.

Meanwhile the mid field were doing a job on the Bogans as well. Steady was strong, lifting his head and giving some good ball, the Dildo as always was penetrative, providing some great through balls for the forwards.

God this report is starting to sound like an absolute SUCK!

Get over it !!

OK I'm back....... too much red wine.

Everyone had a great game! Flemo, Banker, Macca & Ball were impenetrable at the back(take that anyway you like), everyone else played like an absolute champion blah , blah, blah bloody blah.

The battle on the sidelines was just as intense as the onfield stuff, with Beer Bitch Grant back on deck, Bench Keeper Brian ( Bolts) was at odds as to who was running the bench," get on, get off" seemed to be the most popular call and players were running off & on causing chaos with the Kanwal game plan." How many players have this mob got?" queried the Kanwal coach, as Relic after Relic filed on and off the field like a chorus line musical act. Obviously pissed with the Relic game plan, Kanwal Coach sent out the edict to take out a Relic.... Dildo was duly kicked in the Kanakas with a close range shot & went down like a bag of shit, "get up you girl" chorused the Relic teammates, you've got no use for those nuts anyway!! Dildo rolled over with a groan and beckoned Grant to come on a rub him where it hurt.

Coops ended up killing their keeper with a tackle that would have got life in the world cup, and Howler now free from his nemesis keeper, applied the blowtorch to the Bogans soft hairy underbelly with an awkward cross/ shot that snuck thru the fill in keepers autistic hands and dribbled into the back of the net.

The Relics kicked back after the game amid the sounds of the ambulance taking the Bogans keeper to hospital, happy in the knowledge they had now moved into 2nd position. Well done Relics you deserve it!!

Report by Howler 15-7-2014