Just Passing

I was passing Frost on Saturday with Posh and the kids and noticed the Relics hard at work against the Gumbies.

I pulled over expecting the usual biff and barge I had come to expect when the Relics play their toothless, knuckle dragging, slack jaw cousins from just north. This was not to be the case, at least in the first half. High pants' brother, some lame brain with a whistle decided to turn the match into a Sunday school lesson. What a joke - friendly banter and exuberance was met with yellow and red cards. Both teams, rather than the usual dribble of obscenities, just dribbled (and not with their feet). Time hardened footballers became timid and weak, meek and mild. Tolly was lost for words. He had never spoken a full sentence without using the word f**k. The best Blackbeard could do was a stutter. Ball looked like a lost mute. The Jet Plane spoke a different tongue. Mickledildo looked for a teddy to cuddle. Dallas was just happy to get game time.  Bin trying to suck up to the ref cried, "c'mon lads, let's dig in and play with gusto and determination, tally ho" at which the Relics thought - what a wanker but were too afraid to say it or else they would be in the naughty corner too.

Half-time couldn't come quick enough for the 20 men remaining on the field. The choir-boy ref dispatched his assistants to listen-in to the half-time talks just in case there was an audible obscenity to which the linesman amongst the Relics said, "who the f**k is this c**k suc*er"

By the time the second half started most of the crowd had left as they too had received a warning from Polly Anna. The game meandered from bad to worse with both Relic and Gumbie alike unable to get into their a rhythm because it is almost impossible for fat old men to kick a ball and not swear at each other or themselves.

Then along came the Cassius Clay of Kincumber, the Muhammad of McMasters who had simply had enough!  Sick and tired of the sad and disgraceful ebb the game had fallen into decided to “float like a bee, sting like a flea” and breathe some fire into the lack lustre spoiled contest.  For at least three minutes this match reached the fantastic heights set by numerous previous encounters over the last six or seven years between these great rivals.  Hooray for Howler and hooray for the left back from Gumbie land.

For mine, if I had a vote for the annual Statue Award my vote would go to Howler.  He wasn’t about to let an impotent ref get in the way of the true Relics spirit!

In case anyone is interested Coops scored a great goal and I missed the goal from Waz. Now back to work on my handicap – of which there are many!

Becks