Round 14 match report

Firstly I would like to say sorry to all the Relic blog followers out there for not providing a match report after last weeks stimulating win over the lowly placed East Gosford. I for one did not realise that there were so many other people out there that don't have a life, to you all, I offer my sincere condolences and hope that I can serve you better in the future.
The RELICS like any other big name sporting franchise in the world can have problems from time to time within the ranks, running a smooth ship takes a dedicated captain and a skilled crew that can work together for the greater good without focusing just on personal goals. The Relics under Captain Philby this year have generally shown all the attributes necessary to win this competition, the squad has been tight and the results have come. But coming into the home straight the Relics are starting to hit some choppy waters.
Scottish super star Jambo was the first leak in the boat when he decided he'd rather work for a living than play a measly few minutes for the Relics, unfortunately no one in the side could understand his reasons for not playing anymore cause no one in the team understands Scottish, apart from Macca when he's pissed, but then no one in the team understands Macca when he's pissed either.
Next ripple to hit the Relic ship came from Banker who decided that although he had played with a stuffed pancreas for the last 5 years, now was the time to have it fixed! Man Up Boy! Many a Relic Has played out a full season without vital organs such as say....... Hearts and the odd liver, look at Posh he had no internal organs at all and he still turned up (unfortunately).
Coming into the game against arch rivals Avoca the Relics lost further players through injury or holidays and were looking a little bit vulnerable. Roy was off to a sexpo in Thailand and no one in the team begrudged him of that, Pulloweski on the other hand had a reoccurrence of the rectum tear that has plagued him all year and the team were happy with that. Smokey went down at training like a sniper had shot him, breaking his ankle and ending his season, a shame because he was playing the best he's ever played and the team were disappointed with that.
Regardless Coach Philby turned up at the new look Frost Reserve bowling greens with his happy face on, victory over the old foe would keep the Relics in equal 1st place with Two Heads Toukley, which meant the last game of the year would determine the minor ( some say major ) premiership. But firstly the Relics had to kick some Gumbie arse!!

Going for 10 wins in a row, something Ange and the Soccerooos could only dream about, Philby and his band of oddbods were quietly confident of knocking Avoca over, losing super boot Pulloweski only hours before kick off the super coach pulled out another selection masterstroke and threw Steady Ian up front. Steady, who had the previous week borne the brunt of Pulloweski's insistent calls for the ball at every opportunity must have thought he had gone to heaven, moving up to the pilots seat. Steady was now in a position to unload on the flight crew located in the midfield and demand the ball at every opportunity like a real striker should! To his credit he played the position with impunity and did his best in what turned out to be a tight first half with very few opportunities to either side.

Whilst the players were having little impact on the game the Ref was having a great time. Obviously a devout Mormon or Christian or Wowser stuck in a time warp when swearing was a capital offence punishable by death or at the least a red card, the ref ignored the fact that he had two geriatric football teams that only had one real skill left in them..... the ability to swear, and fuckin swear well, for fuckin gods fuckin sake fuck.

First man down was Macca, for gods sake this bloke swears in his sleep !!  He was red carded for saying to the Avoca striker " hey your pants are a bit fuckin high Harry" whats wrong with that Ref??? 

Five minutes later Avoca's little angry ant Sammy was overheard by the Ref castigating himself about the fact he had a small fuckin dick ! Hey Ref can't you even swear at you own dick??? The game was becoming a bloody circus (sorry ref didn't mean to swear then).

Both teams retired to the sidelines at half time and washed their mouths out with soap, the Ref was happy now and blew the whistle to start the circus up again. It didn't take long and Coops who had moved up front for the second half showed his class by not swearing as he kicked a great low trajectory strike past the Avoca keeper. Howler celebrated by screaming " great fuckin goal Coops" and was duly yellow carded.

Much like their last 9 wins the Relics seemed in total control of the match with everyone doing their jobs, even Big Bob had done his bit in the first half pulling off a great reflex save, he spent the rest of the game quietly swearing about the ref to himself.

Taking the swearing out of the game, the Ref obviously hadn't factored in, that without the discharge of emotion that swearing provides, emotions were likely to over flow in other more dramatic circumstances. It didn't take long for Howler and an Avoca antagonist to realise that without the swearing when abusing each other it just wasn't the same. "Your a poo bum" and " What are you lookin at dumb head" just don't have the same ring to them without the expletives. Stuff this they decided lets punch on instead, and so they did. Unfortunately the result was the same with both of them copping a red card.

Down to nine a side the game was expected to open up with goals on the agenda, it didn't really with both sides too tired to do much. Special guest The Prince of the Midfield, on loan from several teams, made his presence felt with a great long range bomb that dropped onto the unsuspecting keeper who pushed it into the back of the net, well done Wheats... sorry Whiz. Great goal!

A strong team effort again from the Relics. Next weeks big game against Toukley Two Heads for the premiership will be tough, the Relics are resigned to losing Macca & Howler for this game & Coops having limped off is also under a cloud. The rest of the team though are playing great and with golden boot Pulloweski due back next week the team has every chance to win. Good luck guys and remember...... NO FUCKIN SWEARING!!!!!