Game 8 - Kincumber V Gosford at Gavenlock has been forfeited by Gosford this weekend.
                                               see you all at training on Wednesday

Game 7 - BEWARE THE BENCH KEEPER !
Dallas quickly threw his soccer kit into his bag before his wife could see, " Your not playing are you love ? " she called, "No dear, just going to watch, the boys love that I come along and support them", " AAAh your such a lovely bloke no wonder I love you so much pumpkin, have a lovely day and give em a cheer for me won't you". "Yes dear" Dallas responded as he finished combing his hair over the bolts in his head. "Don't want to scare any of the kiddies out there today" he mused as he made his way to watch his beloved Relics take on Avoca at Wyoming. Secretly Dallas was fuming, he wanted another crack at Harry High Pants and his misfit mates at Avoca. The semi final loss to them from 2 years ago still rankled Dallas, he was keeper then and gave away a crucial penalty, tackling HHP with a classic front on hit SBW would be proud of. Great hit mate just the wrong sport ! Deep down he was hoping Big Bob wasn't gunna show and he would get his shot at redemption. Turning up at the park Dallas was gutted when he realised that not only had Bob showed up but so had last years keepers Bella and Smokey, he was no hope of playing. Was there anyone that hadn't turned up?
Well yes,...... Beer Bitch extrordinare and bench keeper Grant, exhausted from organising last weeks Ladys day extravaganza was having the weekend off, the Relics needed a bench keeper and Dallas had the job.
Games against the old enemy are always tough, neither team likes to give an inch and this game wasn't going to be any different, the Relics went out early and slapped them around with 2 early goals, Howler once again found the keeper but at least this time the rebound was favourable and Pullo ( yes Pullo actually played) put it away nicely. Coops as usual fired in another great shot a short time later and the Relics could relax and play with the opposition like a cat with a mouse. Benchkeeper Dallas had other ideas though, he wanted to see HHP & his mates reduced to tears, he wanted them blown off the park, so he started replacing Relics at will, he wanted them fresh & in complete control. Pullo ( yes Pullo actually played) was first to go, dragged off after scoring his goal, not even given the chance to kick off, the changes continued at a rapid rate, Dallas was becoming obsessive, he was calling everyone off, even the Ref. Mind you the Relics responded to the changes and applied themselves well on the park, defensively 
they were all over the Avoca blokes and snuffed out any opportunities they had. Attack was also good with many breaks down both sides of the pitch and great support and control from the midfield, at the back the Relics were impenetrable with Ball, Banker, Jaffa & co tighter than Dave Cullens playing shirt.
On the sidelines Dallas was the man, totally in control, some what like Hitler, his changes had a German like precision to them, ACHTUNG !! " get off you dumbkoff " all he needed was the little moustache and a loud hailer. Harry High Pants meanwhile had dropped out of the game, obviously intimidated by Dallas' sideline antics he wasn't keen for another collapsed lung courtesy of another  shoulder charge. Dallas however didn't even notice HHP come off, he was totally immersed in his position of bench keeper and had forgotten his hatred for Avoca, he felt the power of being the  Bench keeper and he wasn't gunna let it go.
" Who wants to be a goal keeper when you can be the bench keeper? "Dallas said as his eyes rolled to the back of his head.
His final hook of the game came with the game winding down and the Relics comfortably in control at 2-0, Howler who had done nothing all game had the audacity to miss kick a pass to Pullo (yes Pullo actually played) raising the ire of the bench keeper, Howler was dragged unceremoniously from the park, the Bench Keeper abusing the pin up boy all the way to the bench " You'll never play for the Relics again loser boy, now get off!! " he screamed.
After the game someone gave Dallas a snickers bar and he resumed his pre match mild mannered Clark Kent persona, totally ambivalent to what had transpired in the 90 minutes earlier, unfortunately the damage to the players mindsets had already been done and in Howlers case probably irreversible.
A great result particularly over Avoca, we love kicking their arses! Well done Dallas great team support!
Go the Blues!! and the Socceroos !!
 

Game 6 - LADIES DAY AT THE RELICS
Always looking for new angles to inspire his band of merry men, Coach Philby came up with the idea of getting the better halves of the Relics involved in what became known as Ladies day. Offering them the chance to see Howler strip, and Dildo give foot massages he thought the ladies would turn up in droves, he was wrong, so he threw in some free grog, bickies & dip and the response was outstanding.
Picking the game against East Gosford was also a masterstroke, women aren't interested in losers, that's why none of them came to  Relic games in the past ( Ida excepted) Philby wanted them to see the Relics at their dominating best. Getting down on all fours before the game to allow Mrs Howler to rest her feet on his back while Dildo carried out the only foot massage of the day was more a look of submission than of domination.
The game kicked off and the ladies kicked back, talking and drinking amongst themselves, pretty much oblivious to the Relics efforts on the pitch, if they had been watching they would have seen the domination that Phiby had banked on. The Relics were all over them like a cheap suit, Coops, Dildo & Howler were making deep inroads behind the slow moving Easts backs, Howler in particular had more opportunities than a pedophile at a scout jamboree, but couldn't put one in the net, he gave up trying after his fifth failure and decided to pass to his own team instead of to their keeper.
Howler was in good companv though with everyone up front missing their share of what looked like easy pickings, seriously the Easts blokes were ordinary, the score should have been 6 nil after 10 minutes, but the harder they tried the more frustrated they got. Finally the drought broke through a solid strike from the ever reliable Coops, this released the tension somewhat and 2 more goals followed, another long range bomb from Z found the mark and Steady managed to follow through on a Howler cross/shot/miskick to clean up & claim a goal.

Halftime couldn't come quick enough for East Gosford & many of their players were heard to ask " can we go home now coach", unfortunately for them the answer was " no get your sorry fat arses back out there and have a go! " Meanwhile on the other side of the park the Relics and their women folk were partying like it was 1999. Relic wannabe, young Daniel was doing the rounds refilling the ladies drinks, keeping them primed as suggested by mentor Grant, the players were laying back soaking up the sunshine and life was good ! Tolley turned to Philby and said "we should do this every week coach", "what ladies day ?" replied Philby, "No, play East Gosford !!

Round 2 and the Relics didn't let up, the passing, talk and the overall play was great, sure Easts are are bit weak but you still have to turn up and play and the Relics were doing just that. 3 more goals in the second term were testament to the team effort with different players scoring each of the goals from good team lead ups. Howler, Tolley & Dildo were all on the receiving end of good crosses and passes that came from players not being selfish but playing for the good of the team.

Meanwhile at the back the Relics were totally solid, any attack by Easts was quickly snuffed out before they could get into the box, Big Bob was getting bored though and growled the message up the line " let one of em through" not wanting to upset the man with the biggest hands in the world the Relics relaxed and let an unsuspecting Easts player slip through." Come here my pretty" said Bob, unfortunately Bob hadn't had to move for the last hour or so and what somewhat slow off the mark in getting to the player, " stuff this I'm gunna have to kill ya" growled Bob as he realised he was gone, in a last ditch effort Bob through the arm out and coat hangered the guy. Great stuff Bob 2 games and 2 penalties," bring back Dallas" the women on the sideline screamed.

Bob filled the goal space and the Easts bloke shit himself, skying the shot 10 metres over the bar, "you shoot like Dildo " smirked Bob, that's a cleansheet !

Any way it was a great day for the Relics and the ladies, thanks for everyone coming along , you are always welcome. Great effort Grant. congratulations to the Hat on getting back into the country in one piece and GETTING HITCHED !!!! Well done buddy hope it all goes well for you.

 

ROYALTY RETURNS TO THE RELICS for Game 5
Coach Philby woke with a start, No it wasn't wife Michelle's warm hand that woke him, she was still asleep probably dreaming about Howler. No Philby was frozen in fear at the thought of what was ahead of him and the Relics. In a game that was shaping as the Relics most important to date, players were dropping like flies. Steady, Macca, Pullo, Dallas, Jambo, Shadow & Smokey had all pulled out due to work committments, injury or total disinterest.
On top of that team stalwart Hat, on loan to a Belgian club, had missed his flight back to Australia due to a customs issue at Heathrow airport, apparently he was caught smuggling a cache of viagara disguised as Belgian chocolates in his carry on luggage. The give away according to customs officials was his dishevelled, worn out appearance & the huge bulge in his trackies.
Philby had to think quick, the Relics season could hinge on this game against Woy Woy. Both teams were equal on the ladder and desperate to advance, the Relics needed help, Philby needed to think outside the square he had to come up with a game changer. Leafing through his little black book, past T for Touch of Class, U for Underwear Model, V for Venus Massage, he hit gold under W for WHIZ!!!!
Fortunately Whiz had been waiting for this phone call for the last 2 years and answered the call in a flash, "We need you Whiz" said Philby, "I know" replied Whiz, "I'll be there".
The news got better for the Relics with Big Bob confirming his comeback and Jambo was able to escape long enough to play the first half.
The game started and the Relics slipped straight into gear passing, running and talking confidently amongst themselves. Many raids up both sides of the park ensued with no luck on the scoreboard, it just seemed a matter of time before the Relics would convert field position to goals. Unfortunately that scenario fell to Woy Woy, in a rare break into the Relics box a Woy Woy player was sensationally tackled face first by Jaffa who some how fell into the Woy Woy players feet and gave a penalty that was duly scored. Big Bobs first touch of the year was to retrieve the ball out of the net.
Enter Whiz, or as some like to call him the Prince of the Midfield. He quickly dispelled any thoughts of rust or lack of fitness as he totally mesmerised the Woy Woy defence. Flicking the ball around like he had it on a string The Prince dominated the midfield, giving the Relics the much needed control they had lacked in previous games. Regardless the Relics still went in at half time down 0-1.

Second half and the depleted Relics came out with all guns blazing, they literally camped in the Woy Woy half with most of the team forward trying to drag the game back, it took a long time and many close shaves before the Relics finally levelled through a Coops thunderbolt that stayed low and snuck under the goalies generous gut." You bloody beauty" thought Philby "we are gunna kick some arse now" This thought had only just entered Philbys mind when BANG!! a WW player snuck into the vacant acre of ground that was left open by the backs & midfield who were all up front trying to score, and in a foot race with the Dildo, who uncharacteristically wasn't up front, won easily and scored a good individual goal, Bobs second touch of the game was to pick up the ball from the back of the net.

Finally through some guts and determination the Relics wore them down and further goals to Coops, Z and Roy put the game to bed. The Relics totally deserved to win, they were the much better side & seemed to want to win more than the other mob, everyone made a contribution in a solid team effort. And did I mention Whiz ?

He was outstanding !! Bring back the Royals I say old chap. 

Relics dominate Kanwal in 2-1 win

In a move away from tradition herein is scribed a report to hopefully describe some semblance of what actually happened on a cool Saturday afternoon at Kanwal for avid fans, Relics abroad and hall of fame Relics like Coach Crow.

Whilst lacking the comical features of the below sports journalism penned by the irrepressible Dildo, this report can possibly be viewed as an adjunct to that report.

It was good to see a full team plus subs make the trek North, this included Dallas who was there to spur us on (or stick to us in his usual style) ,Smokey who thankfully brought his kit and with a damaged hammy went on to pull off a stellar performance in goals and Grant who is like a 12^th man managing the sub interchange and after match drinks.

From the kickoff the Relics immediately dominated all over the park with only the occasional counter attack from Kanwal who looked a side largely unchanged with possibly a couple of new recruits from last year.

In the centre of the park Dildo and Blackbeard were winning the majority of loose balls and creating opportunities for the ball to go forward. Such was the frustration by the opposition that Dildo was brought down in a tackle from behind that was lucky to leave him still on the paddock.

Macca, Rob, Roy and Jaffa were cleaning up any of the occasional counterattacks by the green machine whilst banker handled there long balls with consumate ease.

Philby seemed to be everywhere, plugging gaps and not giving the opponents a second on the ball.

There were lots of good combinations happening on the park with passing training midweek starting to materialize in the game.

Kanwal up to this game undefeated, had that title for a reason and they continued to put pressure on the ball carrier. The Relics however continued to show continued improvement with Howler and Coops unlucky not to put Relics ahead in the first half as Blackbeard limped off to be replaced by Zulu who had a great game thereon with a solid performance in the midfield.

The second half saw Kanwal score on a counter against the run of play and we had that sinking feeling, Tolly continued to give 150% as always but it was the new relics Roy, Coops, Maca, Coops and Pullo who proved undeniably to be the difference in taking away 3 pts at the end of the day. Coops received a ball from Roy that saw him break away up the left and take on the keeper one on one, scoring without hesitation.

5 mins later Pullo, put the ball on a tee outside the box and slotted it past the keeper ending Kanwal’s dream of an undefeated season.

Well done boys, good talk out there, and some good football with better to come.

RELICS FINALLY FIRE UP !

There's been a lot of talk around town lately as to why the new look Relics have struggled on the park. Suggestions that they needed to Gel had Tolley & Mick searching their kit bags for the KY Gel......... NO boys!!! not that type of Gel.... we need to gel as a team, keep that stuff for the trip away.
The disaster that was the Toukley game was erased slightly from the Relics minds last week as they put in a much improved performance against competition leaders Ourimbah baa baa to go down 1-2. Still not good enough in the eyes of all Relics, they knew they could do better. Training mid week was an arduous task not because it was physically demanding, but because no one could understand what coach Philby wanted everyone to do ! Most players just ran around in circles performing like circus animals while Ringmaster Philby cracked the whip.
Coach Philby always looking for the right mix within the team made some telling changes to the team in the hope of achieving that gelled feeling everyone is looking for....... put the gel away Mick!!!

 Moving Pullo back from striker to " the pocket" behind the strikers was a masterstroke designed simply to stop Pullo from whingeing, would it work?  only time would tell.

Starting the year with a massive playing list Philby was forced to ask for volunteers to sit out games,  whilst no one volunteered, it didn't matter because as per usual the old farts started dropping like flies thru injury and other old man related ailments.

Going into the big match against Kanwal the Relics were down to 2 subs, Philby sent out an SOS looking for a keeper to replace Brian, hold on ... wasn't Big Bob gunna play & save the day ? haven't we heard this before ? Regardless no one put up their hand and Ball was duly elected to carry the can, rumour goes that he was allowed to let the Budgie out on Philby's shoulder in return for playing keeper.

Game day and Ball is shitting himself about playing keeper.... sorry mate you can't let that budgie loose on the coach and expect to not meet your obligations.... Man Up Boy !!!... but he didn't....... soon as he heard Smokey had strapped on a prosthetic leg and was prepared to keep, Ball was outa there!

Meanwhile Pullo was doing his hair and dreaming about Poland, "I could have played striker for Poland, just change my name to PULLOWESKI and I'd be in hmmmm...... "wake up Mark" cried Donna you've eaten too much Kransky sausage & your gunna be late for the Relics game, get your sorry arse up there before Tolley takes your spot!!

The game started without Pullo and the Kanwal mob shifted the  the ball between themselves in an easy controlled manner, perhaps watching this the Relics took note and started to play with some control of their own. The Relics had their chances in the first half with Coops & Howler both going close to scoring, Howler, obviously not happy with the Kanwal keeper tried to kill him by continuously kicking the ball into him while he was on the ground.

Second half and Kanwal got an early goal, the Relics who were the most likely in the 1st half were gutted, not again ! The RElics needed to lift, they needed to hang in there and drag this game back! Running uphill  into a strong breeze and with sun in the eyes of the right side players it didn't look good.

It took a while but the Relics perservered & finally got the equaliser down the left side thru a great strike from Coops, following shortly after, PULLOWESKI the great Polish striker drilled a solid ball past the hapless keeper ( softened up by Howler) to put the Relics in front.

The final ten minutes were tense as the Kanwal boys threw everything at the Relics. The midfield & the backs combined in a great team effort to shut down what seemed like wave after wave of Kanwal attacks, Smokey was called upon to make one of the great saves to keep the Relics in front and did it well, activating the bionic spring in his prosthetic leg to allow him to jump higher than ever before and push a shot over the bar.

All in all the Relics played with much more determination and purpose, the backs were solid with Steve O leading the way, good to see Macca back  & Ball who was happy to be back in the backs cleaned his undies out and had a go. Dildo was strong in the middle &  despite a hangover Philby covered a lot of turf. Upfront Coops was always dangerous & Tolley despite the stone in his boot played well, particularly in the opening 20 minutes.

A much improved team effort, maybe some of that training is paying off, but still a long way to go. It's always positive after a win and easy to forget some of the crap we played, but hey we're old men trying to play like boys & you've got to expect some crap in there! We just need to stay positive with each other and play as a team and.......... give the ball to PULLOWESKI !!!!!

written by Howler with the help of PEPPERJACK SHIRAZ.

Midfield shooting woes continue

Once again the Relics midfielders have been exposed as shooting imposters after 2 of the worst efforts on goal by ex-champion MickleDildo and gameday Capt. Steady Ian lead to mirth, merriment and much slagging from teammates, opposition and spectators and flawed what was an otherwise great team effort.
First up was the plastic pleasure machines over ambitious effort to volley from 40 yards which ended up not only over the sideline but 1 km away in the maternity ward of nearby Wyong hospital.
Not to be outdone Capt. Steady reckoned a 30 yard freekick would be a doddle for the best tosser onfield. With a leisurly run up 'Ian' proceeded to toe poke the ball 20 yards high, wide and not so handsomely to end up utterly destroying a beautiful nasturtium and petunia flower bed in a backyard 6 houses back.

Coach Philby has instructed the Dildo to buy a new pair of boots. He believes that Dildos designer style are not really suitable for the heavy field encountered.

Said coach also told Steady that if he did not bring his calipers next time that he would not be taking the field at any time.

Fortunately there was no video available to save the pathetic attempts for posterity, however film evidence has been produced showing Steady and Dildo in private practice to improve their skills. As shown they are obviously doing something fundamentally wrong. Dildo, first off the mark may have let himself down by adopting the 'Towler' run up method which is guaranteed to fail. Steady Ian was totally aghast at Dildos attempt and proceeded to rant " what the fk was that?"  " get this inta ya fkwit"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02kz9s0Tfn4 

Needless to say the Relics are all releived to see new midfield recruit 'Geogeous' George Jambo will return to the fray for the next round