Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
ALLSTARS UNABLE TO LIFT RELICS
On a day that could best be described as healing day it would seem the RELICS & their former antagonists the ALLSTARS have buried the hatchet, and not before time. Finally the 2 teams have made an attempt to play together as a club & not as enemies.
The RELICS facing the B division reigning premiers the CAVEMEN of GOSFORD, & playing on the big stage of FROST 1, turned up to the game with a host of big name players unavailable thru injury or lack of interest.
The DILDO still affected from LIMPWRISTITIS, delivered further bad news that the disease had spread & he now also had LIMPDICKITIS, to which all of his team mates responded by taking a step away from him.
OLD CROW still suffering from Village People heel, managed to hobble to the bench adorned with a swish camera around his neck, apparently he has picked up a gig with BRENTWOOD VILLAGE to take photos of potential new clients.
POSH who last week left his footy gear behind & had to make a hasty trip home to retreive it, decided this week to sleep in his gear. Arriving at Frost at 7am to sharpen up his skills , and because Libby had kicked him out of bed because he was studding her ( take that which ever way you like ) POSH was super keen to get on the pitch & make amends for last weeks indiscretion. Unfortunately POSH had tied his boots too tightly causing a bottle neck in his legs and he came down with a severe case of ELEPHANTITIS !! POSH was therefore ruled out of the game & was last seen in the mens toilet trying to redirect the elephantitis to another appendage on his body.
Enter the ALLSTARS, Mark( ALWAYS) Pullen, & Ian (APPLE) Macintosh to help fill the breach, taking their place on the bench one could only feel the RELICS would be strengthened by their presence.
The RELICS started the game like they usually do with mis directed passes and players not marking up in defence, still the Cavemen were scoreless after 15 minutes so that was a bonus, however that was soon to change dramatically. In a 10 minute window of play the CAVEMEN shredded the RELICS defence all over the park. The RELICS seemed confused at times as to who should be marking who & from the sideline it seemed there was little communication amongst the team.
HOWLER having found his best position in the team as the SUBMAN, tried vainly to halt the slide by making several changes but this only seemed to accelerate it, The CAVEMENS striker showed a clean pair of heels to the RELICS backs, skirting around them & setting up an inside man for an uncontested shot that just shaved inside the upright.
I can't remember how they scored the second goal so lets just pretend it didn't happen, it was probably like the first. The third goal was like the second... or the first.... I'm not sure... IT ALL HAPPENED SO BLOODY QUICK !!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON OUT THERE??? All of a sudden it was 3 zip & all the RELICS had left to play for was pride.
ALWAYS & APPLE at this point decided the best position for them was drinking beers with their 35Bs teamates, unfortunately for them they weren't quick enough & the subman with the help of a few burly blokes, pushed them onto the pitch with the message " don't come off until you both score ".
On the pitch it would seem things couldn't get any worse, that was until NINJA, retired World War 2 kamikaze pilot, managed to break out of the choker hold DALLAS had on him & set his sights on BELLA & the goal posts. Conjuring up long forgotten emotions NINJA pulled a japanese flag from his shorts & tied it around his head like a warriors bandana, screaming as he ran at BELLA, BANZAI !!! " you have dishonoured the ASIAN STAR you must die " and just as he did in the Coral Sea all those years ago he crashed short of the target and had to be replaced.
The second half & things didn't get much better, no doubt all the RELICS were trying, they always do, but unfortunately we fall down on the same basics each week. Misdirected passes, overcalling, running other players lines, not staying in position, running too far or fiddling with the ball when other players are in a better position, drinking too much or not enough the list goes on.
ALWAYS to his credit tried his best to ignite the frontline & when he dropped back to the midfield later, put on some nice passes showing the RELICS how it should be done.
Again the RELICS had to contend with a growing injury list as HEAD & SMOKEY both broke down with leg injuries, if SMOKEY was a horse they would have shot him long ago, the only thing keeping his leg together is the penis warmer he uses for a knee guard. HEAD on the other hand was a little perturbed after the game that he hadn't been given more game time in the first half, obviously he would have preferred to break down earlier so he could have got to the esky first. BANKER on the other hand gave the subman a serve after the game because he hadn't been subbed. The life of a subman isn't all it's cracked up to be!
The RELICS had some opportunities on goal but rarely troubled the keeper, one golden opportunity went begging when WHEATS was bought down in the box with the goal mouth beckoning. RELIC players & bench went up as one to claim a penalty only to realise TOLLY had in fact made the tackle, "no one's catching ME on the goal scorers sheet " muttered TOLLY.
The CAVEMEN finally scored their fourth and final goal, even they were getting sick of scoring. WHEATS had had enough and decided to pull himself off ( I don't know why, there was nothing to get excited about)
and the game dawdled to its conclusion. Good efforts by the usual suspects and a great effort from APPLE & ALWAYS backing up from their own games.
Howler
The RELICS facing the B division reigning premiers the CAVEMEN of GOSFORD, & playing on the big stage of FROST 1, turned up to the game with a host of big name players unavailable thru injury or lack of interest.
The DILDO still affected from LIMPWRISTITIS, delivered further bad news that the disease had spread & he now also had LIMPDICKITIS, to which all of his team mates responded by taking a step away from him.
OLD CROW still suffering from Village People heel, managed to hobble to the bench adorned with a swish camera around his neck, apparently he has picked up a gig with BRENTWOOD VILLAGE to take photos of potential new clients.
POSH who last week left his footy gear behind & had to make a hasty trip home to retreive it, decided this week to sleep in his gear. Arriving at Frost at 7am to sharpen up his skills , and because Libby had kicked him out of bed because he was studding her ( take that which ever way you like ) POSH was super keen to get on the pitch & make amends for last weeks indiscretion. Unfortunately POSH had tied his boots too tightly causing a bottle neck in his legs and he came down with a severe case of ELEPHANTITIS !! POSH was therefore ruled out of the game & was last seen in the mens toilet trying to redirect the elephantitis to another appendage on his body.
Enter the ALLSTARS, Mark( ALWAYS) Pullen, & Ian (APPLE) Macintosh to help fill the breach, taking their place on the bench one could only feel the RELICS would be strengthened by their presence.
The RELICS started the game like they usually do with mis directed passes and players not marking up in defence, still the Cavemen were scoreless after 15 minutes so that was a bonus, however that was soon to change dramatically. In a 10 minute window of play the CAVEMEN shredded the RELICS defence all over the park. The RELICS seemed confused at times as to who should be marking who & from the sideline it seemed there was little communication amongst the team.
HOWLER having found his best position in the team as the SUBMAN, tried vainly to halt the slide by making several changes but this only seemed to accelerate it, The CAVEMENS striker showed a clean pair of heels to the RELICS backs, skirting around them & setting up an inside man for an uncontested shot that just shaved inside the upright.
I can't remember how they scored the second goal so lets just pretend it didn't happen, it was probably like the first. The third goal was like the second... or the first.... I'm not sure... IT ALL HAPPENED SO BLOODY QUICK !!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON OUT THERE??? All of a sudden it was 3 zip & all the RELICS had left to play for was pride.
ALWAYS & APPLE at this point decided the best position for them was drinking beers with their 35Bs teamates, unfortunately for them they weren't quick enough & the subman with the help of a few burly blokes, pushed them onto the pitch with the message " don't come off until you both score ".
On the pitch it would seem things couldn't get any worse, that was until NINJA, retired World War 2 kamikaze pilot, managed to break out of the choker hold DALLAS had on him & set his sights on BELLA & the goal posts. Conjuring up long forgotten emotions NINJA pulled a japanese flag from his shorts & tied it around his head like a warriors bandana, screaming as he ran at BELLA, BANZAI !!! " you have dishonoured the ASIAN STAR you must die " and just as he did in the Coral Sea all those years ago he crashed short of the target and had to be replaced.
The second half & things didn't get much better, no doubt all the RELICS were trying, they always do, but unfortunately we fall down on the same basics each week. Misdirected passes, overcalling, running other players lines, not staying in position, running too far or fiddling with the ball when other players are in a better position, drinking too much or not enough the list goes on.
ALWAYS to his credit tried his best to ignite the frontline & when he dropped back to the midfield later, put on some nice passes showing the RELICS how it should be done.
Again the RELICS had to contend with a growing injury list as HEAD & SMOKEY both broke down with leg injuries, if SMOKEY was a horse they would have shot him long ago, the only thing keeping his leg together is the penis warmer he uses for a knee guard. HEAD on the other hand was a little perturbed after the game that he hadn't been given more game time in the first half, obviously he would have preferred to break down earlier so he could have got to the esky first. BANKER on the other hand gave the subman a serve after the game because he hadn't been subbed. The life of a subman isn't all it's cracked up to be!
The RELICS had some opportunities on goal but rarely troubled the keeper, one golden opportunity went begging when WHEATS was bought down in the box with the goal mouth beckoning. RELIC players & bench went up as one to claim a penalty only to realise TOLLY had in fact made the tackle, "no one's catching ME on the goal scorers sheet " muttered TOLLY.
The CAVEMEN finally scored their fourth and final goal, even they were getting sick of scoring. WHEATS had had enough and decided to pull himself off ( I don't know why, there was nothing to get excited about)
and the game dawdled to its conclusion. Good efforts by the usual suspects and a great effort from APPLE & ALWAYS backing up from their own games.
Howler
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
RELICS RUE THE HAND OF POSH
First game of round 2 & the Relics were looking forward to giving lowly Doyalson a good old fashion thrashing.
Ass Bin Coach left to his own devices with Waz lost in Woy Woy, decided to tweak the team, putting himself up front in the hope of scoring a goal to get off the nudie run and moved Wheats back to sweeper to annoy the backline.
New signing Bella deciding to have a quick bite before leaving West Gosford at the Asian Star, lost track of time & turned up right on kick off forcing new subman Howler to turn back the clock & dust the mothballs off Smokey & his goal keeping kit for the first 7 minutes of play, it was a tense 7 minutes but as soon as Bella was ready Smokey was hooked. Never before had a Relic been given a standing ovation by fellow players & spectators for doing absolutely nothing and Smokey sauntered off to the bench with the crys of CLEANSHEET, CLEANSHEET ringing in his ears.
The rest of the Relics meanwhile were doing their best to nail a goal & get the ball rolling on what should be a huge victory, the new look frontline, SULO, VIC & CROW tried valiantly but were turned away by a determined defence & equally determined keeper. BANKER slammmed what looked like a winner only to have it cannon off an unsuspecting fullback bludging on the goal line. time after time the Relics were thwarted, a shot from HAT hit the post.
To add insult to injury the Relics main weapon ( and I MEAN WEAPON ) the DILDO sucuumbed to a life long ailment LIMPWRISTITIS & was forced to leave the field for treatment and to prevent the spread of it to other players on the team. Shortly after the CROW limped to the sideline with a bad case of heel spur, a legacy of his cowboy days with the Village People. Players were dropping like flys & the submans job was becoming very difficult, to his credit subman held his nerve made some crucial changes getting TOLLY & SMOKEY on the park up front & the result was GOALA. A nice interchange of passes amongst several players saw TOLLY finish off a nice cross from SMOKEY.
Doyalson weren't lying down though and made some good inroads into the Relics goal zone, the Relics backline held firm and looked to have everything under control until a lone wolf snuck under their guard & tripped over inside the box earning himself a chance at an equaliser. BELLA no doubt inspired by SMOKEYS earlier cleansheet & possibly refreshed from his Chinese chow down dived and saved yet another difficult shot. BANKER was showing a lot more of his rarely seen running game obviously aligning himself with SULOS thoughts that there were goals to be had out there & I want one !! He also showed he liked head... putting his to the ball on several occaisions and repelling the DOYLO attack.
Half time came and POSH in his first game back pulled the young subman aside & said "youve got to put me up front, I'm the only one that can do it, I'm the fittest, fastest & I've proved I can score before, this game was made for me" Who knows what the subman was thinking maybe he thought POSH could do it, maybe he thought the 2 crisp 50 dollar bills POSH had slipped into his hand would come in handy later at the Asian Star, regardless POSH was going on up front.
The second half saw DOYLO play their whole side back and the ball rarely left their side of halfway. SO many opportunities for the RELICS to sow the game up but they just couldnt get it over the line. VIC went the closest with a great strike that drifted over the bar. Another shot mishandled by the keeper bounced agonisingly close to the goaline but AGAIN NO GOAL !
POSH having the time of his life up front called to the bench"how easy is it up here ?" to which the Subman responded " try running for a change " No sooner had POSH attempted this foreign idea he was bought crashing to earth by a jelly bellied fullback (welcome to our world POSH). Inside the box it looked like goal #2 was coming but like so many other decisions the ref made that day DOYLO got the benefit of the doubt.
POSH was spewing & suggested to the ref maybe POSH could demonstrate the tackle on THE REF after the game!
In what became the greatest turning point of the game POSH, possibly still affected by his earlier altercation, couldnt help himself when another mishandled save from DOYLOs keeper bounced free & on a beeline to the goal mouth & with no one to stop it POSH decided to give it a nudge and claim the GLORY. Phil Gould would have said NO NO NO NO NO POSH, & thats exactly what the ref said, no doubt remembering POSHs earlier tackle threat.
Still the RELICS were in front & time was ticking down but one still had the feeling we needed another one to finish them off. 10 minutes to go & DOYLO finally got the ball inside the RELICS back end (sounds painful ) & it was painful to watch as the RELICS who had all dropped back to defend continuously put the ball out for corners & throw ins giving DOYLO repeat sets inside the RELICS goal area. JUST KICK THE SHIT OUT OF IT SOMEONE ! was the cry from the bench & finally someone did, probably SULO who was running around like a rabid drovers dog chasing everything that moved & barking encouragement to everyone.
Just when everyone thought thatsDOYLO player drilled a long range shot into the net, much to the pleasure of the well lubricated DOYLO supporters.
Obviously the RELICS were gutted with some players upping & leaving without a word. Someone commented a draw was like kissing your sister to which HAT the big Taswegian responded "whats wrong with that? (maybe they have a lot of draws in Tassie ) grabbed his mum & said lets go find sis.
Ass Bin Coach left to his own devices with Waz lost in Woy Woy, decided to tweak the team, putting himself up front in the hope of scoring a goal to get off the nudie run and moved Wheats back to sweeper to annoy the backline.
New signing Bella deciding to have a quick bite before leaving West Gosford at the Asian Star, lost track of time & turned up right on kick off forcing new subman Howler to turn back the clock & dust the mothballs off Smokey & his goal keeping kit for the first 7 minutes of play, it was a tense 7 minutes but as soon as Bella was ready Smokey was hooked. Never before had a Relic been given a standing ovation by fellow players & spectators for doing absolutely nothing and Smokey sauntered off to the bench with the crys of CLEANSHEET, CLEANSHEET ringing in his ears.
The rest of the Relics meanwhile were doing their best to nail a goal & get the ball rolling on what should be a huge victory, the new look frontline, SULO, VIC & CROW tried valiantly but were turned away by a determined defence & equally determined keeper. BANKER slammmed what looked like a winner only to have it cannon off an unsuspecting fullback bludging on the goal line. time after time the Relics were thwarted, a shot from HAT hit the post.
To add insult to injury the Relics main weapon ( and I MEAN WEAPON ) the DILDO sucuumbed to a life long ailment LIMPWRISTITIS & was forced to leave the field for treatment and to prevent the spread of it to other players on the team. Shortly after the CROW limped to the sideline with a bad case of heel spur, a legacy of his cowboy days with the Village People. Players were dropping like flys & the submans job was becoming very difficult, to his credit subman held his nerve made some crucial changes getting TOLLY & SMOKEY on the park up front & the result was GOALA. A nice interchange of passes amongst several players saw TOLLY finish off a nice cross from SMOKEY.
Doyalson weren't lying down though and made some good inroads into the Relics goal zone, the Relics backline held firm and looked to have everything under control until a lone wolf snuck under their guard & tripped over inside the box earning himself a chance at an equaliser. BELLA no doubt inspired by SMOKEYS earlier cleansheet & possibly refreshed from his Chinese chow down dived and saved yet another difficult shot. BANKER was showing a lot more of his rarely seen running game obviously aligning himself with SULOS thoughts that there were goals to be had out there & I want one !! He also showed he liked head... putting his to the ball on several occaisions and repelling the DOYLO attack.
Half time came and POSH in his first game back pulled the young subman aside & said "youve got to put me up front, I'm the only one that can do it, I'm the fittest, fastest & I've proved I can score before, this game was made for me" Who knows what the subman was thinking maybe he thought POSH could do it, maybe he thought the 2 crisp 50 dollar bills POSH had slipped into his hand would come in handy later at the Asian Star, regardless POSH was going on up front.
The second half saw DOYLO play their whole side back and the ball rarely left their side of halfway. SO many opportunities for the RELICS to sow the game up but they just couldnt get it over the line. VIC went the closest with a great strike that drifted over the bar. Another shot mishandled by the keeper bounced agonisingly close to the goaline but AGAIN NO GOAL !
POSH having the time of his life up front called to the bench"how easy is it up here ?" to which the Subman responded " try running for a change " No sooner had POSH attempted this foreign idea he was bought crashing to earth by a jelly bellied fullback (welcome to our world POSH). Inside the box it looked like goal #2 was coming but like so many other decisions the ref made that day DOYLO got the benefit of the doubt.
POSH was spewing & suggested to the ref maybe POSH could demonstrate the tackle on THE REF after the game!
In what became the greatest turning point of the game POSH, possibly still affected by his earlier altercation, couldnt help himself when another mishandled save from DOYLOs keeper bounced free & on a beeline to the goal mouth & with no one to stop it POSH decided to give it a nudge and claim the GLORY. Phil Gould would have said NO NO NO NO NO POSH, & thats exactly what the ref said, no doubt remembering POSHs earlier tackle threat.
Still the RELICS were in front & time was ticking down but one still had the feeling we needed another one to finish them off. 10 minutes to go & DOYLO finally got the ball inside the RELICS back end (sounds painful ) & it was painful to watch as the RELICS who had all dropped back to defend continuously put the ball out for corners & throw ins giving DOYLO repeat sets inside the RELICS goal area. JUST KICK THE SHIT OUT OF IT SOMEONE ! was the cry from the bench & finally someone did, probably SULO who was running around like a rabid drovers dog chasing everything that moved & barking encouragement to everyone.
Just when everyone thought thatsDOYLO player drilled a long range shot into the net, much to the pleasure of the well lubricated DOYLO supporters.
Obviously the RELICS were gutted with some players upping & leaving without a word. Someone commented a draw was like kissing your sister to which HAT the big Taswegian responded "whats wrong with that? (maybe they have a lot of draws in Tassie ) grabbed his mum & said lets go find sis.
Howler
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
19th May
All 3 games in the round had a 1-1 draw. What are the odds ? At least we didn't actually lose points.
A game we should really have won. They played a defensive game for most of the match with the odd long kick in the hope that their forwards would run with it.
Some ordinary refereeing with one side given free kicks for tackles against them and the other side not receiving one - that would have been us.
Throw ins that I would have pulled up being allowed to proceed.
A Direct Penalty against us which Bella saved and a worse tackle against us in their box without a free penalty to us.
Mick breaking his arm - out for 6-8 weeks. , Pete pulling up injured. Not sure about Tony's head/teeth.
Missing multiple goals either wide or being saved by their keeper ( who kept them in the game ).
Our second goal being disallowed.
Them scoring in the last 5 minutes and not being able to respond - their players going down with injuries dragging out time.
All in all I thought we played a good game with support all the way from the backs to the front just again we fell short scoring - not from lack of trying just couldn't get past the numbers in their box.
Grant
A game we should really have won. They played a defensive game for most of the match with the odd long kick in the hope that their forwards would run with it.
Some ordinary refereeing with one side given free kicks for tackles against them and the other side not receiving one - that would have been us.
Throw ins that I would have pulled up being allowed to proceed.
A Direct Penalty against us which Bella saved and a worse tackle against us in their box without a free penalty to us.
Mick breaking his arm - out for 6-8 weeks. , Pete pulling up injured. Not sure about Tony's head/teeth.
Missing multiple goals either wide or being saved by their keeper ( who kept them in the game ).
Our second goal being disallowed.
Them scoring in the last 5 minutes and not being able to respond - their players going down with injuries dragging out time.
All in all I thought we played a good game with support all the way from the backs to the front just again we fell short scoring - not from lack of trying just couldn't get past the numbers in their box.
Grant
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Brokendihno
Looks like I am gone for a fair while. Dislocated fracture of wrist reset, thankfully, without surgery.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
RELICS CRASH BACK TO EARTH
What a difference a week can make, just when we thought POSH had gone to Gosford and freed up another place on the Relics roster for someone that CAN play, the deal fell through leaving the Relics stuck with a liability that may haunt them for the rest of the year. Meanwhile the Relics other major liability HEAD, displayed the form that he had been signed for with a man AFTER the match performance drinking effort to put to bed any talk he will be leaving the team in the near future.
With a team roster bordering on the ridiculous the Relics entered todays bout with the Woy Woy Wankers as distinct favourites, Super coach WAZ, taking the diplomatic approach to the team selection stood himself down to avoid dissent amongst the minnions, remembering only AFTER the game that he is unavailable for next weeks game and should have played today.
Coaching from the sideline WAZ & ASS caused absolute confusion amongst the RELICS ranks as they both called conflicting instructions to their willing disciples, unfortunately the result was GOALA Woy Woy. A neat header from #11, gave BELLA no chance & once again the Relics were behind the 8 ball.
It didn't take long for the Relics to respond and once again that MAN MIKLDILDO stepped up to the plate slamming home one of the best strikes seen since WAZ planted THAT goal against Berkley Vale all those years ago. Just when the Relics supporters were feeling good about themselves the Woy Woy Wankers responded immediately with another un contested header this time from Kenny Rogers on loan from the ARKANSAS CHUGGERBUGS.
FUCKOFF woy woy was all IDA could stammer in between beers 5 & 6 as the Wankers finished the half slightly on top of the Relics, going in to half time the bench had bets the Relics would either turn it all around, or IDA WOULD FALL OVER.
Second half and SMOKEY must have wished he was ET & could have have called HOME!! and been whisked off the planet as he gifted the WANKERS with their third goal, never mind Tony at least you out lasted Howler on the pitch for the 3rd game in a row, those penis warmers u use for knee guards really work!!!
FUCKOFF was the phrase of the day as this time the WANKERS supporters gave it to the ref after he gave the RELICS a spot kick when DILDO was bought down inside the box. WHEATS always on the sniff for a cheap goal stepped up but fortunately sanity prevailed and the guy who used to look like JAGGER but now looks like Keith Richard, the DILDO, took control and realising he had nothing better to do with his life than play geriatric soccer, duly slotted the penalty.
The Relics never gave up & the WANKERS just kept coming, another premier league save from super buy BELLA kept the scores at 3-2 till fulltime, and the Relics wandered off knowing they could probably take this mob next time.
Beer bitch SMOKEY was some what mystified after the game that so few RELICS stood up & played the more important game of drinking the eskies dry, whilst certain players excel on the field another crop run the off field show, ably led by IDA, HEAD, HAT, BALL, DILDO ,AXE & some other drunks the RELICS end of season trip is in good hands.
HOWLER AGAIN
With a team roster bordering on the ridiculous the Relics entered todays bout with the Woy Woy Wankers as distinct favourites, Super coach WAZ, taking the diplomatic approach to the team selection stood himself down to avoid dissent amongst the minnions, remembering only AFTER the game that he is unavailable for next weeks game and should have played today.
Coaching from the sideline WAZ & ASS caused absolute confusion amongst the RELICS ranks as they both called conflicting instructions to their willing disciples, unfortunately the result was GOALA Woy Woy. A neat header from #11, gave BELLA no chance & once again the Relics were behind the 8 ball.
It didn't take long for the Relics to respond and once again that MAN MIKLDILDO stepped up to the plate slamming home one of the best strikes seen since WAZ planted THAT goal against Berkley Vale all those years ago. Just when the Relics supporters were feeling good about themselves the Woy Woy Wankers responded immediately with another un contested header this time from Kenny Rogers on loan from the ARKANSAS CHUGGERBUGS.
FUCKOFF woy woy was all IDA could stammer in between beers 5 & 6 as the Wankers finished the half slightly on top of the Relics, going in to half time the bench had bets the Relics would either turn it all around, or IDA WOULD FALL OVER.
Second half and SMOKEY must have wished he was ET & could have have called HOME!! and been whisked off the planet as he gifted the WANKERS with their third goal, never mind Tony at least you out lasted Howler on the pitch for the 3rd game in a row, those penis warmers u use for knee guards really work!!!
FUCKOFF was the phrase of the day as this time the WANKERS supporters gave it to the ref after he gave the RELICS a spot kick when DILDO was bought down inside the box. WHEATS always on the sniff for a cheap goal stepped up but fortunately sanity prevailed and the guy who used to look like JAGGER but now looks like Keith Richard, the DILDO, took control and realising he had nothing better to do with his life than play geriatric soccer, duly slotted the penalty.
The Relics never gave up & the WANKERS just kept coming, another premier league save from super buy BELLA kept the scores at 3-2 till fulltime, and the Relics wandered off knowing they could probably take this mob next time.
Beer bitch SMOKEY was some what mystified after the game that so few RELICS stood up & played the more important game of drinking the eskies dry, whilst certain players excel on the field another crop run the off field show, ably led by IDA, HEAD, HAT, BALL, DILDO ,AXE & some other drunks the RELICS end of season trip is in good hands.
HOWLER AGAIN
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Relics Fail to Walk the Talk
Each team has now played each other as round five of the CCF O45B concluded on Saturday. The Relics are in fourth spot after failing to secure a higher position after an intense 2-3 loss to the Woy Woy Roosters. A win would have ensured a significant gap between them and the bottom two teams.
The Relics went into the match with a strong bench but missing some key players due to injury. Coach Waz, in consultation with Ass. Coach Bin, decided to rest Becks for another week not wanting to risk him so early in the season. Darchinyan, in a similar vein, had not fully recovered from injury and he too was left to spectator duties. Waz was a shock withdrawal minutes from start time due to a mystery virus. A similar virus hampered JJ the jet plane the previous week. Obviously hampered by his unsightly cold sores Waz saw his withdrawal as an opportunity to closely scrutinise the Relics form from the sideline.
Woy Woy went to an early lead when a lone Rooster was allowed by the Relics’ backs to put a simple header past Donna. This simple error put the Relics on the back foot for much of the first half until the mercurial Mickledildo loaded up on a fantastic cross ball from Jet to volley the ball into the back of the net. The Rooster in the goals had no chance. This spurred the Relics on and after a number of attacking raids the Relics were unlucky not to have scored another goal or two.
In a devastating blow, the most important 100 grams of meat in the Relics team, Howlers hammy, was torn off the bone as he took off for a characteristic dart in attack. Howler was in agony as he limped to the sideline. With no sympathy from the sideline a lame Howler dragged his dodgy leg to the esky to make his own ice-pack.
At 1-1 and seemingly with the upper hand the Relics were dealt a second cruel blow as the Roosters were able to score in circumstances eerily similar to their first goal. The Relics failed to properly mark up and a lone cock was again able to head a ball past Donna. The Relics found themselves down 2-1 and with half time looming the Relics body language was not good. Several Relics also looked to have a body image problem.
Tonk dominated the first half and was responsible for some brilliant through balls and several creditable long range shots on goal. Tonk’s play has improved sharply in recent weeks and he is quickly emerging as one of the Relics key men in defence and attack. The Axe, heavily congested due to a cold and carrying more pseudo-ephedrine on board than a crystal meth lab, regularly got in behind the Roosters backs and threatened on several occasions. Marquee signing Head, obviously feeling the effects of playing two games each Saturday, looked good on the ball but struggled in the going on the lush grass cover at Frost 2.
At this point new glove-man Donna went ballistic threatening to walk if the Relics did not get their act together. He made it clear he was not known as “Mr Cleansheet” by previous teams for no reason!!
Obviously stunned by the outburst the Relics dug deep and despite running uphill and into the wind seemed to find another gear – second gear! It wasn’t long before Mickledildo, doing his best Matt Mitcham impersonation, won a penalty for the Relics. With Becks injured Mickledildo stepped forward to convert.
At 2-3 the Relics tried valiantly to equalise but to no avail. Wreckin Ball tried his best to unsettle the Roosters with some strong challenges and trash talk whilst Banker tried earnestly to inspire some Relics attack.
Post match most Relics were lamenting an opportunity lost with a belief that the Roosters are definitely beatable. Others to have strong games included the ageless Shadow, Toe and Blackbeard. Old Crow and Smokey also gave 100 percent.
The highlight of the day, however, occurred an hour after the game when Tonk donned his game-keeper attire to head off to work at Taronga Zoo. Not known to many, Tonk has a second job as a lion handler.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
RELICS RETURN TO THE WINNING CIRCLE
After their huge 1st round victory many believed this was to be the year of the RELICS, subsequent inept performances in rounds 2 & 3, found the team going into round 4 against the Berkeley Vale Rustics as clear underdogs. Missing key personnel Vic & Flemo, the team was bolstered by the return of Howler, fresh from a playing stint in the Thai transgender league with FC Ladyboys, and shock new signing Mark Bella Newton, coming into the side as goal keeper( much to the relief of Dallas....... & the rest of the team).
The Relics took up the attack early in the first half and Howler showed he had lost none of his speed by racing onto a sublime thru ball from Dildo, Howler also showed he had gained no skills whatsover whilst in Thailand by spraying his shot towards the corner post.
The Relic front line & midfield continued to pepper the Rustics goal area to no avail, many of the shots were taken too far out and gave the keeper little trouble, passing at this stage was a little bit off and stifled many a promising attack, typically after having all the ball & territory the Relics backline, probably bored from watching endless shots up field go no where, decided that the Rustics strikers were off side & refused to chase them, what they hadnt taken into account was a) no linesman to make the call b) the ref is a berkeley vale junior and c) Sulo was behind everyone asking Bella if he could make next weeks game, and the result.....GOALA.
The rest of the half was a see sawing affair, the Rustics lifted by their goal created more chances and were duly rewarded when given a contentious penalty by local Robbie the Ref. Smokey who had surprised everyone at this stage by playing so long finally sucuumbed to his hip/ calf/ knee /ankle /hamstring /big toe injury and fell into the back of the Rustics player. All eyes were on Bella as his first real test as Relics keeper arrived, a classy effort almost kept it out but the result ......GOALA. The Rustics continued to dominate and were making breaks at will, only a fine save by Bella thwarted what could have been a 3 nil half time score.
Half time and the Relics heads were down, staring at three in a row the players looked towards the brains trust for inspiration, what could the brains trust come up with to turn this game around?...........................
.................... if it had been night time all you would have heard were the crickets.. NOTHING !!!! So the players trudged back out none the wiser for the second half, what they probably didn't realise was the Rustics were even more headless than them and the Rustics didn't have any more subs... WHEW !
Shadow as he often does pulled a shot/ cross from some where which some how beat the bemused keeper and got the Relics off to the start they needed, the Relics lifted and Dildo led the way up front curling a nice shot into the top corner of the net, at this point the Rustics realised they were in shit, the Relics were running amok with Tolly & Dildo combining beautifully up front and the midfield following through nicely, it wasn't long before Howler slotted a rebound from another Dildo shot past the keeper & the Relics were in front for the first time.
The Rustics were out on their feet but the Relics couldn't afford to slow down, the Rustics went close to scoring from a couple of corners which kept the Relic fans on the edge of their seats, at the other end numerous Relic raids, particularly down the right side fizzed out due to poor passing or finishing, Tolly & Tonk both having one on one chances with the keeper that they'd prefer their bemused children on the sideline had not seen.
Finally the Relics were rewarded when Wheats, head down weaved his way thru the tiring Rustics defence and slotted home a nice goal, John & Wiz proved their success in the pizza shop was no fluke when they combined to send Wiz on his way, Wiz took one in the jatz but stoically pushed on with one of the balls finally finding the net, finally ( I THINK ) John showed some of the pizza shop skills he is famous for by flipping the ball over the keeper & into an open goal..........GOALA X 6
A good second half by all, helped tho by a weary opposition we need to lift another gear next week and play all game.
Whilst the Relics celebrated with a few cold ones after the game they were gifted with some further good news in that POSH, who mistakenly turned up to training in his Gosford colours before feigning injury & shooting off to Gavenlock has indeed signed with the CAVEMEN, and HEAD who has found that he cannot bear to train or play against his former team mates at the 35Ds, & was a notable absentee at the Relics game preferring to rub shoulders and probably the odd appendage with his old team mates at their game will be asked to donate whatever beer money he spent with the 35Ds into our kitty, fairs fair HEAD you were signed on for what you could contribute to the kitty!
The Relics took up the attack early in the first half and Howler showed he had lost none of his speed by racing onto a sublime thru ball from Dildo, Howler also showed he had gained no skills whatsover whilst in Thailand by spraying his shot towards the corner post.
The Relic front line & midfield continued to pepper the Rustics goal area to no avail, many of the shots were taken too far out and gave the keeper little trouble, passing at this stage was a little bit off and stifled many a promising attack, typically after having all the ball & territory the Relics backline, probably bored from watching endless shots up field go no where, decided that the Rustics strikers were off side & refused to chase them, what they hadnt taken into account was a) no linesman to make the call b) the ref is a berkeley vale junior and c) Sulo was behind everyone asking Bella if he could make next weeks game, and the result.....GOALA.
The rest of the half was a see sawing affair, the Rustics lifted by their goal created more chances and were duly rewarded when given a contentious penalty by local Robbie the Ref. Smokey who had surprised everyone at this stage by playing so long finally sucuumbed to his hip/ calf/ knee /ankle /hamstring /big toe injury and fell into the back of the Rustics player. All eyes were on Bella as his first real test as Relics keeper arrived, a classy effort almost kept it out but the result ......GOALA. The Rustics continued to dominate and were making breaks at will, only a fine save by Bella thwarted what could have been a 3 nil half time score.
Half time and the Relics heads were down, staring at three in a row the players looked towards the brains trust for inspiration, what could the brains trust come up with to turn this game around?...........................
.................... if it had been night time all you would have heard were the crickets.. NOTHING !!!! So the players trudged back out none the wiser for the second half, what they probably didn't realise was the Rustics were even more headless than them and the Rustics didn't have any more subs... WHEW !
Shadow as he often does pulled a shot/ cross from some where which some how beat the bemused keeper and got the Relics off to the start they needed, the Relics lifted and Dildo led the way up front curling a nice shot into the top corner of the net, at this point the Rustics realised they were in shit, the Relics were running amok with Tolly & Dildo combining beautifully up front and the midfield following through nicely, it wasn't long before Howler slotted a rebound from another Dildo shot past the keeper & the Relics were in front for the first time.
The Rustics were out on their feet but the Relics couldn't afford to slow down, the Rustics went close to scoring from a couple of corners which kept the Relic fans on the edge of their seats, at the other end numerous Relic raids, particularly down the right side fizzed out due to poor passing or finishing, Tolly & Tonk both having one on one chances with the keeper that they'd prefer their bemused children on the sideline had not seen.
Finally the Relics were rewarded when Wheats, head down weaved his way thru the tiring Rustics defence and slotted home a nice goal, John & Wiz proved their success in the pizza shop was no fluke when they combined to send Wiz on his way, Wiz took one in the jatz but stoically pushed on with one of the balls finally finding the net, finally ( I THINK ) John showed some of the pizza shop skills he is famous for by flipping the ball over the keeper & into an open goal..........GOALA X 6
A good second half by all, helped tho by a weary opposition we need to lift another gear next week and play all game.
Whilst the Relics celebrated with a few cold ones after the game they were gifted with some further good news in that POSH, who mistakenly turned up to training in his Gosford colours before feigning injury & shooting off to Gavenlock has indeed signed with the CAVEMEN, and HEAD who has found that he cannot bear to train or play against his former team mates at the 35Ds, & was a notable absentee at the Relics game preferring to rub shoulders and probably the odd appendage with his old team mates at their game will be asked to donate whatever beer money he spent with the 35Ds into our kitty, fairs fair HEAD you were signed on for what you could contribute to the kitty!
Howler
Rustics fade as Relics Rampage
 |
| John Terry or Mickledinho? |
In Posh's absence.
Fans in the Eastern end of the Chittaway Grandstand were treated to a feast of goals this weekend when the Kincumber Relics came to the Berkley Vale Rustics Cauldren for the much anticipated 4th round of the CCF 45B competition.
As much as the overused pun "it was a game of two halves is used" this was very much the case with Rustics going in at half time at 2 up only to be hammered by 6 unanswered goals from a Relics outfit that showed they know no mercy when it comes to football.
The first half revealed that Relics had the potential to dominate this match but every player on the pitch accept maybe Banker had made 2 errors each.
Unfortunately for new keeper Bella these were both goals he failed to save. First game back Relics were prepared to let the veteran keeper off the hook however more will be expected if he is not to see his contract ending up on the toilet floor at Fortress Frost.
Half time found most players staring at the ground as all the players knew it was back on the pitch where we could prove what we were made of, this of course didn't stop Coach Wiz from berating us and telling us to wake the hell up. Toe's point that we were adjusting to playing on a pitch that was flat with short grass was probably an accurate assessment as to players misjudged kicks, passes in the first forty.
Early in the second half the lack of subs for the Rustics showed they would have been more than happy to stay in the sheds and not come out. Relics also started to nail their passes and find the space that was there to be had. It wasn't long before Relics legendary Shadow swooped in from the left and snuck one past the near post.
It was a start, but in what was the goal of the match, Mickledinho turned back the clock and fired a strike from just inside the box in the middle of the pitch that rocketed into the net off the inside of the left upright. This goal set the wheels in motion and signalled the Relics were ready to set to go on with the job. Wiz and Howler scored goals that both found the keepers gloves but were able to pick up the rebound and fire the pill into the pouch.
Rustics made some attempted inroads down the left side of the park but there was clearly no fuel left in the tank as Bella and the rest of the Relics defence easily repelled any attack.
Jaffa then juggled nicely beating the keeper putting away number five. I was then lucky enough to take advantage of an exhausted Rustics defence to have a share in the goal bounty.
Tolly was luckless towards the end with a power shot into the keeper.
Overall the second half saw all players, too many to mention, link together some great passing to see home the result.
Relics can expect Rustics to be stronger in the next round, possibly recruiting some much needed subs.
Well done Relics!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
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