Relics Fail to Walk the Talk

Each team has now played each other as round five of the CCF O45B concluded on Saturday. The Relics are in fourth spot after failing to secure a higher position after an intense 2-3 loss to the Woy Woy Roosters. A win would have ensured a significant gap between them and the bottom two teams.

The Relics went into the match with a strong bench but missing some key players due to injury. Coach Waz, in consultation with Ass. Coach Bin, decided to rest Becks for another week not wanting to risk him so early in the season. Darchinyan, in a similar vein, had not fully recovered from injury and he too was left to spectator duties. Waz was a shock withdrawal minutes from start time due to a mystery virus. A similar virus hampered JJ the jet plane the previous week. Obviously hampered by his unsightly cold sores Waz saw his withdrawal as an opportunity to closely scrutinise the Relics form from the sideline.

Woy Woy went to an early lead when a lone Rooster was allowed by the Relics’ backs to put a simple header past Donna. This simple error put the Relics on the back foot for much of the first half until the mercurial Mickledildo loaded up on a fantastic cross ball from Jet to volley the ball into the back of the net. The Rooster in the goals had no chance. This spurred the Relics on and after a number of attacking raids the Relics were unlucky not to have scored another goal or two.

In a devastating blow, the most important 100 grams of meat in the Relics team, Howlers hammy, was torn off the bone as he took off for a characteristic dart in attack. Howler was in agony as he limped to the sideline. With no sympathy from the sideline a lame Howler dragged his dodgy leg to the esky to make his own ice-pack.

At 1-1 and seemingly with the upper hand the Relics were dealt a second cruel blow as the Roosters were able to score in circumstances eerily similar to their first goal. The Relics failed to properly mark up and a lone cock was again able to head a ball past Donna. The Relics found themselves down 2-1 and with half time looming the Relics body language was not good. Several Relics also looked to have a body image problem.

Tonk dominated the first half and was responsible for some brilliant through balls and several creditable long range shots on goal. Tonk’s play has improved sharply in recent weeks and he is quickly emerging as one of the Relics key men in defence and attack. The Axe, heavily congested due to a cold and carrying more pseudo-ephedrine on board than a crystal meth lab, regularly got in behind the Roosters backs and threatened on several occasions. Marquee signing Head, obviously feeling the effects of playing two games each Saturday, looked good on the ball but struggled in the going on the lush grass cover at Frost 2.

Following some acerbic words from Waz and a steely glare from Bin the Relics took to the second half determined to make amends for their mistakes in the first half. The second period was dour affair with the ball moving from one end of the field to the other with neither team really dominating the play. Eventually, however, the Roosters were able to consolidate a 3-1 lead after a mishap in the box which allowed a simple shot.

At this point new glove-man Donna went ballistic threatening to walk if the Relics did not get their act together. He made it clear he was not known as “Mr Cleansheet” by previous teams for no reason!!

Obviously stunned by the outburst the Relics dug deep and despite running uphill and into the wind seemed to find another gear – second gear! It wasn’t long before Mickledildo, doing his best Matt Mitcham impersonation, won a penalty for the Relics. With Becks injured Mickledildo stepped forward to convert.

At 2-3 the Relics tried valiantly to equalise but to no avail. Wreckin Ball tried his best to unsettle the Roosters with some strong challenges and trash talk whilst Banker tried earnestly to inspire some Relics attack.

Post match most Relics were lamenting an opportunity lost with a belief that the Roosters are definitely beatable. Others to have strong games included the ageless Shadow, Toe and Blackbeard. Old Crow and Smokey also gave 100 percent.

The highlight of the day, however, occurred an hour after the game when Tonk donned his game-keeper attire to head off to work at Taronga Zoo. Not known to many, Tonk has a second job as a lion handler.