ALLSTARS UNABLE TO LIFT RELICS‏

On a day that could best be described as healing day it would seem the RELICS & their former antagonists the ALLSTARS have buried the hatchet, and not before time. Finally the 2 teams have made an attempt to play together as a club & not as enemies.


The RELICS facing the B division reigning premiers the CAVEMEN of GOSFORD, & playing on the big stage of FROST 1, turned up to the game with a host of big name players unavailable thru injury or lack of interest.
The DILDO still affected from LIMPWRISTITIS, delivered further bad news that the disease had spread & he now also had LIMPDICKITIS, to which all of his team mates responded by taking a step away from him.
OLD CROW still suffering from Village People heel, managed to hobble to the bench adorned with a swish camera around his neck, apparently he has picked up a gig with BRENTWOOD VILLAGE to take photos of potential new clients.


POSH who last week left his footy gear behind & had to make a hasty trip home to retreive it, decided this week to sleep in his gear. Arriving at Frost at 7am to sharpen up his skills , and because Libby had kicked him out of bed because he was studding her ( take that which ever way you like ) POSH was super keen to get on the pitch & make amends for last weeks indiscretion. Unfortunately POSH had tied his boots too tightly causing a bottle neck in his legs and he came down with a severe case of ELEPHANTITIS !! POSH was therefore ruled out of the game & was last seen in the mens toilet trying to redirect the elephantitis to another appendage on his body.


Enter the ALLSTARS, Mark( ALWAYS) Pullen, & Ian (APPLE) Macintosh to help fill the breach, taking their place on the bench one could only feel the RELICS would be strengthened by their presence.


The RELICS started the game like they usually do with mis directed passes and players not marking up in defence, still the Cavemen were scoreless after 15 minutes so that was a bonus, however that was soon to change dramatically. In a 10 minute window of play the CAVEMEN shredded the RELICS defence all over the park. The RELICS seemed confused at times as to who should be marking who & from the sideline it seemed there was little communication amongst the team.


HOWLER having found his best position in the team as the SUBMAN, tried vainly to halt the slide by making several changes but this only seemed to accelerate it, The CAVEMENS striker showed a clean pair of heels to the RELICS backs, skirting around them & setting up an inside man for an uncontested shot that just shaved inside the upright.
I can't remember how they scored the second goal so lets just pretend it didn't happen, it was probably like the first. The third goal was like the second... or the first.... I'm not sure... IT ALL HAPPENED SO BLOODY QUICK !!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON OUT THERE??? All of a sudden it was 3 zip & all the RELICS had left to play for was pride.


ALWAYS & APPLE at this point decided the best position for them was drinking beers with their 35Bs teamates, unfortunately for them they weren't quick enough & the subman with the help of a few burly blokes, pushed them onto the pitch with the message " don't come off until you both score ".


On the pitch it would seem things couldn't get any worse, that was until NINJA, retired World War 2 kamikaze pilot, managed to break out of the choker hold DALLAS had on him & set his sights on BELLA & the goal posts. Conjuring up long forgotten emotions NINJA pulled a japanese flag from his shorts & tied it around his head like a warriors bandana, screaming as he ran at BELLA, BANZAI !!! " you have dishonoured the ASIAN STAR you must die " and just as he did in the Coral Sea all those years ago he crashed short of the target and had to be replaced.


The second half & things didn't get much better, no doubt all the RELICS were trying, they always do, but unfortunately we fall down on the same basics each week. Misdirected passes, overcalling, running other players lines, not staying in position, running too far or fiddling with the ball when other players are in a better position, drinking too much or not enough the list goes on.
ALWAYS to his credit tried his best to ignite the frontline & when he dropped back to the midfield later, put on some nice passes showing the RELICS how it should be done.


Again the RELICS had to contend with a growing injury list as HEAD & SMOKEY both broke down with leg injuries, if SMOKEY was a horse they would have shot him long ago, the only thing keeping his leg together is the penis warmer he uses for a knee guard. HEAD on the other hand was a little perturbed after the game that he hadn't been given more game time in the first half, obviously he would have preferred to break down earlier so he could have got to the esky first. BANKER on the other hand gave the subman a serve after the game because he hadn't been subbed. The life of a subman isn't all it's cracked up to be!


The RELICS had some opportunities on goal but rarely troubled the keeper, one golden opportunity went begging when WHEATS was bought down in the box with the goal mouth beckoning. RELIC players & bench went up as one to claim a penalty only to realise TOLLY had in fact made the tackle, "no one's catching ME on the goal scorers sheet " muttered TOLLY.


The CAVEMEN finally scored their fourth and final goal, even they were getting sick of scoring. WHEATS had had enough and decided to pull himself off ( I don't know why, there was nothing to get excited about)
and the game dawdled to its conclusion. Good efforts by the usual suspects and a great effort from APPLE & ALWAYS backing up from their own games.


Howler