Major Semi - Relics V Toukley 16^th August 2014

I'm singing in the rain, singing in the rain, OH what a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!!! SING with me Relic lovers where ever you are !
Those decrepit, useless bunch of f#ck knuckles, dearly known world wide as the Relics have taken one giant step toward football immortality by outlasting the Toukley Two heads in a dour semi final played in the rain at one of the worlds premier venues Eastern Road Killarney Vale.
With a huge crowd expected, Relic management bought in the Yellow shirt heavies Howler and Banker to keep the crowd under control, whilst the crowd never got to the huge numbers anticipated it was a feisty crew just the same. Threats of a streak by Roy's partner Carol if Roy scored were fobbed off by the Yellow shirts as pure folly, "Roy will never score" Banker was heard to say as he slammed the esky lid down on Smokeys fingers as he tried to steal another bourbon and coke.
Whilst the Yellow shirts might have had the crowd under control, the pitch was looking rougher than Dildos head ! Divots, and sand traps made it look more like a hackers golf course than the premier venue this big match deserved. Coach Philby went into the game with a four, four, four, two, one line up, un heard of in the modern game, the last time this amount of players took the field was when Jesus played up front for JEURSALEM against the Roman army. Philby clearly overwhelmed by the semi final occasion had to quickly recount his team and with the help of a calculator reorganised his run on team to conform with modern day rules.

Some big changes from the previous winning team had some pundits scratching their heads in wonder. Superboot Pulloweski along with sidekick Tolley were relegated to the bench for the kick off and replaced with newly crowned Miss Thailand Rhonda along with Flemo who had begged coach Philby to play up front so he could show off to his new bride in the crowd. Serial swearer Macca had a few anxious moments when registering for the game when he was told he was actually suspended for this game as well, Macca shrugged his shoulders & told the registrar to f#ck off and was duly granted permission to play. Howler had a brief notion to punch the registrar, hoping this would allow him to play as well.

Having watched the other 45b semi final between Ourimbah & Kanwal the one & two teams were probably lulled into a false sense of security, it didn't really matter who lost our game, whoever did were sure to beat Ourimbah in the next game and Hey, a warm up game before the Grandy is not a bad tactic.......Hmmmm .... I wonder if the Two Heads had this in mind ? NAAAAH Two Heads don't think!!! and besides they have two heads to pass these thought thru, that would take extra time..... wouldn't it? I'm confused ! Are the two heads actually smarter than us... hmmmm, did they throw it? Conspiracy theories like this mean more sleepless nights for Philby as he tries to out guess their master coach.

The condition of the pitch as intimated earlier was a dead set shithole. Pele would look awkward on this rubbish tip, let alone the geriatric grade. Ball movement between players of both sides was a lottery with the ball holding up in sandpits or shooting off tufts of shitty grass, players had to wait to control the ball before offloading it and the result was a disjointed, stuttering game that didn't reflect the skill of the two teams (ahem).

Once again Toukley came out all guns blazing but this time the Relics were ready for them, Philby started the game and was running around like a dog on heat, Ball at the back was barking orders and getting his chrome dome to many an incoming bomb. Dildo, Jaffa and Macca contained the opposition with consummate ease at the back and the midfield got back and helped, Z & Steady slowed things down a bit in the middle turning the ball back to the eager Relic forwards led by Coops who had miraculously recovered from a hammy injury and was also running around like a dog on heat, fortunately he and Phil didn't stop to sniff each others butts.

Pulloweski got the call up and Flemo dropped to the backs where his booming boot would be welcome later in the match when the Relics needed to kick their way out of trouble. Upfront the Relics as usual looked the goods, but like many soccer games, kicking goals is harder than saving them. The Toukley backs led by number 4 who goes off quicker than Tolley's lighter were proving to be inpenetrable, their keeper is tighter than the bolts in Brians head and he too was proving to be a real thorn in the side of the Relic attack, even the crafty old Pulloweski was having trouble getting one past him and the teams went in at half time nil all.

Half time entertainment was ordinary considering the enormity of the game, watching Smokey try to navigate the slippery slope of the hill on crutches and then trying to get back to his seat with his bourbon and coke intact was probably the halftime highlight, in fact it probably was the high light of the whole afternoon!!

Brian Bolts turned up in his ambulance & settled in to watch the second half leaving a critical patient in the back, fortunately he left the ambulance motor running so the defribulator would stay charged just in case.

The second half continued along the same lines as the first until Coops stamped his authority on the game. Chasing a long ball cross, Coops retrieved it, turned and fired a well directed cross back into the box where Roy.... sorry Rhonda was waiting, Howlers eyes lit up " YOU CAN DO IT WATER BOY!" he cried. With one eye on Roy and one on Carol, Howler was willing the ball into the net, if Roy scores Carol streaks was the only thought running thru his mind at this point, Roy duly scored with a header that Tim Cahill would be proud of and Howler dropped to his knees thanking the football gods. Even the old guy in the back of the ambulance got up to have a peek out the window, however Carol chose to use her women’s prerogative and changed her mind, " no love it's a bit too chilly now, think I'll keep my knickers on thankyou" she explained. The old bloke collapsed back onto the bed and the defribulator kicked in.

The game meandered on with few chances for either side until Toukley decided that it was time for #4 to move up front again in a bid to turn the game, and the game changed up a gear. This guy can play and it took some aggressive defence from the Relics to keep him and his desperate mates out. Firstly Dildo and then Macca put their bodies on the line to deny the Two Heads from scoring with solid last ditch defensive efforts just outside of the penalty box. Bobby Big Hands made a great nonchalant save to tap a shot over the bar and the Toukley heads dropped, all 22 of them. The last 15 minutes was heart in mouth stuff as Toukley threw everything at the Relics, the Relics these days however are made of sterner stuff and absorbed everything Toukley could throw at them. Final score Relics one Two Heads zippo!

Once again a great result for the Relics, these two sides are evenly matched and should meet again in the Grandy, it will take a disciplined effort from the Relics to win it, Toukley have lost the last two games and will be fired up to turn things around. Another positive to come out of the weekend was Banker's claim that he may be back for the final, provided his guts are Okay'd by the doc and his wife doesn't find out he is playing! So shhhhh!!!! Go RELICS !!

Post match report:

Carol was forcibly removed from the ground by the Yellow shirts due to her poor behaviour and was red carded for the Grand final unless she agrees to streak at that game.

The old guy in the ambulance according to all reports is still in there.

Proudly sponsored by Matilda Bay Brewery & Asian Star entertainment.

Relics are Minor Premiers 45B’s

The RELICS have finally done it! Minor premiers of the biggest football competition in the galaxy. Bigger than the world cup, bigger than those pissy Commonwealth games, bigger than the Eurovision song competition and almost as big as Pullo's ego.
 Go you old fart RELICS !! What a day ! In a dream final round match up against co- leaders, The Two Heads at the field of dreams Frost Reserve, the excitement in the air was palpable. A huge crowd of past & present players, Wags and the odd homeless dude that had nothing better to do descended on the fields of dreams like a plague of locusts, eager to see if the Relics were in fact the Real Deal or there just to make up the numbers.
All had heard the plight of the team, Banker had dropped his guts ,Smokey's prosthetic leg was broken and crowd favourite Howler was up on assault charges from the previous week's game. Adding further insult to injury, Roy was still on his Thailand sexpo tour and had sent word he wasn't coming back, well....... not as a man at least, he now wants to be known as Rhonda. Meanwhile Jambo had been spotted at the Commonwealth games in Glasgow playing hockey for Scotland's womans team and now we all know what he meant when he said " OCCHH EYE I DO LIKE A WEE BIT OF SKIRT " We do too Jambo but not to wear!!!! Whats going on here girls.. I mean guys??
Regardless of these set backs, the remaining Relics turned up ready to rumble, they wanted to show these Toukley Tossers that they weren't going to roll over and give em the premiership without a fight.
It didn't start  that well though with TT totally dominating the opening 20 minutes of the game, the Relics were on their heels defending stoutly but couldn't seem to get out of there own half. A very near miss when TT hit the cross bar may have been the catalyst for the Relics to get their act together and start having a go. A couple of timely replacements probably helped as well, the entry of Coach Philby and Whiz into the game coincided with Relics going forward and taking control of the game.
Upfront Coops, who was struggling with a hamstring strain and Pulloweski were doing their best to turn the tide, unfortunately passes were miscued and the attack looked disjointed. A cross over pass to Tolley in front of goal was duly missed and as the huge crowd groaned, Tolley regathered the ball, fucked around with it for what felt like a lifetime, before backheeling (what else would he do?) to Zulu who crossed it back to Coops who headed it home. "Sucked in Toukley you guys need two heads to do that HA !" cried Tolley smugly.
From this point on the fight seemed to go out of the Two Heads, front running might be their forte but coming from behind is an art form best left to those who have  intestinal fortitude and maybe don't like looking their partner in the eyes....... sorry I digress.
The Relics second goal was delivered via super boot Pulloweski, showing the eager crowd why the Relics paid the big bucks to get him (and put up with him) the legendary goal poacher was just starting to stamp his authority on the game.
Elsewhere on the field other Relics were also beginning to dominate their opposition. The midfield were strong, subbing regularly helped, giving them the edge when needed. At the back without the steady hand of Banker and Macca, the defence was shaky and had a preference for short miss directed passes when in the box, however they soon got their act together and opted instead to kick the shit out of it and clear the ball instead of fart arsing around with it.
Behind by 2, particularly after their strong start totally took the wind out of Toukleys sails and the Two Heads started shuffling players around in the hope of reversing their fortunes. Their gun player regardless of where he plays is number 4, he is quick and skilful and has more hair than some. Moving him from the back to the front was a big call considering Pulloweski & Coops still had heaps of goals in them but TT needed a goal and he was the player most likely for them. In the second half he didn't let down the homeless guy who was actually going for Toukley , when he left 4 Relic backs in his wake as he swathed a path through them to slam home a great goal.
The parochial home crowd basically shit themselves, so did the homeless guy by the way, even though he was going for Toukley.
NO !!  they cried as one, don't let em score again, a draw would only benefit Toukley, having a draw has been described as like kissing your sister and the Toukley boys were puckering up. The Relics needed to win BRO!!
The Relics didn't let the crowd down and lifted to a new level, crowd stalwarts who have watched probably one or two Relic games were amazed at the intensity of this Relic team, "shit mate I didn't think Tolley could walk that fast" said one as Tolley attempted to chase down a through ball. Passing amongst themselves actually started to look natural for the Relics and they held the Two Head defence up like a dirty rag. Ball, Steady, Jaffa and along with Z & Tol also gave polished performances, their shining baldy pates at times blinding to the opposition, causing all sorts of confusion. Upfront Pulloweski & Coops were toying with the Toukley backline, shot after shot was deflected by Toukleys  athletic keeper & Bob and Bella were both heard to say "you can't do that son, put on a bit of weight, lose some hair, let in a goal or else we'll see you in the carpark", they growled.
Finally the old master Pulloweski threaded the needle and finished any talk of a Toukley come back, the Toukley keeper obviously heeding Bob & Bellas advice duly dived the wrong way.
A fine win by the mighty Relics and a fitting result for all of the players who have given their best efforts all year.
 A special mention must go to Philby he has borne the brunt of player's egos all year and has managed the team with dignity and fairness, well done mate! A big thanks also to Beer bitch and queens counsel Grant for his involvement to date.
First step Minor premiership ACHIEVED
Next step semi final
Go Relics!!!
The writer would like to confirm that no Tolleys were hurt in the making up of this story!