Major Semi - Relics V Toukley 16^th August 2014

I'm singing in the rain, singing in the rain, OH what a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!!! SING with me Relic lovers where ever you are !
Those decrepit, useless bunch of f#ck knuckles, dearly known world wide as the Relics have taken one giant step toward football immortality by outlasting the Toukley Two heads in a dour semi final played in the rain at one of the worlds premier venues Eastern Road Killarney Vale.
With a huge crowd expected, Relic management bought in the Yellow shirt heavies Howler and Banker to keep the crowd under control, whilst the crowd never got to the huge numbers anticipated it was a feisty crew just the same. Threats of a streak by Roy's partner Carol if Roy scored were fobbed off by the Yellow shirts as pure folly, "Roy will never score" Banker was heard to say as he slammed the esky lid down on Smokeys fingers as he tried to steal another bourbon and coke.
Whilst the Yellow shirts might have had the crowd under control, the pitch was looking rougher than Dildos head ! Divots, and sand traps made it look more like a hackers golf course than the premier venue this big match deserved. Coach Philby went into the game with a four, four, four, two, one line up, un heard of in the modern game, the last time this amount of players took the field was when Jesus played up front for JEURSALEM against the Roman army. Philby clearly overwhelmed by the semi final occasion had to quickly recount his team and with the help of a calculator reorganised his run on team to conform with modern day rules.

Some big changes from the previous winning team had some pundits scratching their heads in wonder. Superboot Pulloweski along with sidekick Tolley were relegated to the bench for the kick off and replaced with newly crowned Miss Thailand Rhonda along with Flemo who had begged coach Philby to play up front so he could show off to his new bride in the crowd. Serial swearer Macca had a few anxious moments when registering for the game when he was told he was actually suspended for this game as well, Macca shrugged his shoulders & told the registrar to f#ck off and was duly granted permission to play. Howler had a brief notion to punch the registrar, hoping this would allow him to play as well.

Having watched the other 45b semi final between Ourimbah & Kanwal the one & two teams were probably lulled into a false sense of security, it didn't really matter who lost our game, whoever did were sure to beat Ourimbah in the next game and Hey, a warm up game before the Grandy is not a bad tactic.......Hmmmm .... I wonder if the Two Heads had this in mind ? NAAAAH Two Heads don't think!!! and besides they have two heads to pass these thought thru, that would take extra time..... wouldn't it? I'm confused ! Are the two heads actually smarter than us... hmmmm, did they throw it? Conspiracy theories like this mean more sleepless nights for Philby as he tries to out guess their master coach.

The condition of the pitch as intimated earlier was a dead set shithole. Pele would look awkward on this rubbish tip, let alone the geriatric grade. Ball movement between players of both sides was a lottery with the ball holding up in sandpits or shooting off tufts of shitty grass, players had to wait to control the ball before offloading it and the result was a disjointed, stuttering game that didn't reflect the skill of the two teams (ahem).

Once again Toukley came out all guns blazing but this time the Relics were ready for them, Philby started the game and was running around like a dog on heat, Ball at the back was barking orders and getting his chrome dome to many an incoming bomb. Dildo, Jaffa and Macca contained the opposition with consummate ease at the back and the midfield got back and helped, Z & Steady slowed things down a bit in the middle turning the ball back to the eager Relic forwards led by Coops who had miraculously recovered from a hammy injury and was also running around like a dog on heat, fortunately he and Phil didn't stop to sniff each others butts.

Pulloweski got the call up and Flemo dropped to the backs where his booming boot would be welcome later in the match when the Relics needed to kick their way out of trouble. Upfront the Relics as usual looked the goods, but like many soccer games, kicking goals is harder than saving them. The Toukley backs led by number 4 who goes off quicker than Tolley's lighter were proving to be inpenetrable, their keeper is tighter than the bolts in Brians head and he too was proving to be a real thorn in the side of the Relic attack, even the crafty old Pulloweski was having trouble getting one past him and the teams went in at half time nil all.

Half time entertainment was ordinary considering the enormity of the game, watching Smokey try to navigate the slippery slope of the hill on crutches and then trying to get back to his seat with his bourbon and coke intact was probably the halftime highlight, in fact it probably was the high light of the whole afternoon!!

Brian Bolts turned up in his ambulance & settled in to watch the second half leaving a critical patient in the back, fortunately he left the ambulance motor running so the defribulator would stay charged just in case.

The second half continued along the same lines as the first until Coops stamped his authority on the game. Chasing a long ball cross, Coops retrieved it, turned and fired a well directed cross back into the box where Roy.... sorry Rhonda was waiting, Howlers eyes lit up " YOU CAN DO IT WATER BOY!" he cried. With one eye on Roy and one on Carol, Howler was willing the ball into the net, if Roy scores Carol streaks was the only thought running thru his mind at this point, Roy duly scored with a header that Tim Cahill would be proud of and Howler dropped to his knees thanking the football gods. Even the old guy in the back of the ambulance got up to have a peek out the window, however Carol chose to use her women’s prerogative and changed her mind, " no love it's a bit too chilly now, think I'll keep my knickers on thankyou" she explained. The old bloke collapsed back onto the bed and the defribulator kicked in.

The game meandered on with few chances for either side until Toukley decided that it was time for #4 to move up front again in a bid to turn the game, and the game changed up a gear. This guy can play and it took some aggressive defence from the Relics to keep him and his desperate mates out. Firstly Dildo and then Macca put their bodies on the line to deny the Two Heads from scoring with solid last ditch defensive efforts just outside of the penalty box. Bobby Big Hands made a great nonchalant save to tap a shot over the bar and the Toukley heads dropped, all 22 of them. The last 15 minutes was heart in mouth stuff as Toukley threw everything at the Relics, the Relics these days however are made of sterner stuff and absorbed everything Toukley could throw at them. Final score Relics one Two Heads zippo!

Once again a great result for the Relics, these two sides are evenly matched and should meet again in the Grandy, it will take a disciplined effort from the Relics to win it, Toukley have lost the last two games and will be fired up to turn things around. Another positive to come out of the weekend was Banker's claim that he may be back for the final, provided his guts are Okay'd by the doc and his wife doesn't find out he is playing! So shhhhh!!!! Go RELICS !!

Post match report:

Carol was forcibly removed from the ground by the Yellow shirts due to her poor behaviour and was red carded for the Grand final unless she agrees to streak at that game.

The old guy in the ambulance according to all reports is still in there.

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