Weary Relics Rally

The tireless Kincumber Relics have pulled off a stunning second half comeback to force a 2-2 draw with the Gummy Sharks. The Relics entered the match, battle weary after a tense and tight tussle with the Killarney Tossils on Thursday night. Without recent matches or an opportunity to train, both matches tested the latent fitness of each Relic.

The Relics were dreadful in the first ten minutes conceding two very soft goals and limped to the half time break down 2-0. Nothing more could be said about this passage of play – it was very, very ordinary.
The half time break was an opportunity for the wrinkled warriors to “take a good look at themselves”. A good dose of invective from Coach Old Crow and some insightful comments from Whizz, Dallas and Statue saw the Relics hit the Frost Reserve turf for the second half with steam gushing from their ears.

The second period was all Relics. In stark contrast to the first 40 minutes the Relics began to find each other and play as a team. It wasn’t long before this sustained pressure led to an Axe goal. Some great lead up work in the box from the big ship Banker saw the omnipresent Axe tipple the ball the required two centimetres over the goal line. Relics close to the action believe, however, that the Axe actually stopped Banker’s shot thus ensuring his own personal glory – but this correspondent doesn’t believe this for a minute!

Storming home like Black Caviar the Relics had an opportunity to equalise with 20 minutes remaining when they were gifted with a penalty shot. Relic eyes quickly scanned the field for first choice penalty-taker Becks. Unfortunately, Becks had had a Posh moment earlier, relegating himself to ball-boy midway through the first half. It was at this point that Banker, formerly known as Dukes, strode to the penalty spot declaring with Wayne Rooney confidence “give me that ball!” The crowd was silent. You could hear a hanky hit the ground. Dogs stopped barking. Passing cars stopped. In what seemed like an eternity the neophyte ref marked out the spot. Banker was brimful of confidence, laughing and joking even winking to a couple of young ladies field-side. The goal keeper, wearing more tape than a broken-down trotter was petrified, looking every minute of the 70 plus years he has graced planet earth. There he stood, motionless and shit-scared. It was noted on the sideline by one of the gummy sharks that ‘fumbles’, as he is affectionately known, has been a goal keeper for 55 years and is yet to save a penalty. The time had come. In one last gasp of arrogance Banker cheekily sucked his index finger and held it skyward to check the direction of the wind. The ref blew his whistle and Banker stepped away from the ball with his best Viv Richards swagger and began his move toward the ball – one, two, three ‘bang’. What a letdown! Banker’s drive bobbled aimlessly straight to the goal keeper, who had turned his back, giving up any hope of saving the goal. From here Banker’s penalty became more farcical when it rebounded off the keeper, straight back to him!!. He had a second chance!! Adding insult to injury Banker missed the open goal. If there was a hole big enough Banker would have jumped in it.
To their credit almost every Relic immediately moved to console the hapless Banker except for Whizz, who was telling anyone who would listen that he should have taken the shot!!

Disappointment was put aside, Banker was moved to sweeper, and the Relics marched on. After many near misses Shadow drew on his vast experience, and still smarting from a yellow card midweek, drove a magnificent ball into the back of the net from 40 metres. ‘Fumbles’ had no chance.

The last five minutes the Relics lifted to an even higher level looking for the winner. Howler impressed all on ground during this period making numerous attacking forays.

The final whistle blew with the Relics completely dominant.

Post match the Relics carefully dissected the last few games and no doubt Coach Old Crow will be considering team options to regain that winning feeling.

Bring on the Smugglers.

Post Script
In an exclusive Whizz has unveiled how he will wear his hair for the clash against the Smugglers

In another exclusive, Coach Old Crow has released a new training strategy which he believes will rejuvenate the Relics and allow them to get back that winning feeling!

Becks