Relics Squander Opportunities

The mighty Kincumber Relics have battled out an inglorious 0-0 draw against Doylo at Doylo. The match was anything but spectacular and at best could be described as lacklustre.

The match commenced 9 minutes late as the Relics were shirtless with Manager Statue failing to arrive on time. Statue had the shirts, well almost all of them, and if he had have been 1 minute later the Relics would have been forced to wear “skins”. The Doylo women were particularly keen to see the Relics shirt-less as Diamond, in his best redneck attire, had certainly made his impression on them.

After finally hitting the pitch the Relics dominated early possession but were unable to capitalise. The second half was much the same as the first.

Tossils’ Playbook ‘Found’
In an O/45 sensation this correspondent has been handed the Tossils’ playbook from an anonymous source. It provides precise details about all O/45s players including a brief summary written by the Tossils’ coach about each of the Relics. The last entry in the playbook was August 2. Here is what has been said:

Kincumber Relics – Outside chance of beating Budgewoi in the Semis but no threat to us. Chokers.

No. 1 Big bastard with massive hands and feet. Difficult to put one past him. Aim low and into the bottom left corner.
No. 2 Cunning defender who is generally safe as a bank. Can clear with both feet. Very quick over the first two metres.
No.3 Don’t let the grey confuse you. Spirited player who always gives 100%. Good left foot. They call him “brumby” but I can’t see how he looks like a horse. Maybe he has other horse-like features.
No. 4 Big arse. Great left foot but has missed several matches with injury. Probably a little precious. Put pressure on this man.
No. 5 Bald as a badger. They call him “crow” probably because he squawks a little too much. Dogged defender. Capable in attack. Watch this player.
No. 6 Usually plays right back. Uncompromising defender. Savage toe poke. Play the left side if this man is on the park.
No 7 Probably the Relics best player. Versatile. Able to play any position. Equally as good in the air and on the ground. Insightful. Skilful. Handsome. Poetry in motion. Our biggest threat to the title.
No. 8 Very skilful. Solid in defence and the midfield. Has a Pommie accent. A little slow off the mark finding it hard to move out of his own shadow. Capable of turning a match.
No. 9 Comes with a big wrap and Relics’ captain. Has never won a toss against us. Once silken skills are beginning to look like old rope. Rumoured to have signed for Budgewoi for 2010. Can fail to finish simple opportunities.
No. 10 A pillar of strength. Doesn’t move much but his strike can be venomous. Can be rattled on the park. Do not give this man any space (or cheek). Often late to games.
No. 11 Big talker. Seems consumed with his own presence. Capable of one dynamic short 20m burst per match. Over-rated. Probably wouldn’t make the starting 11 if the Relics’ made the final.
No. 12 Kamakaze. Covers the ground like a wild boar. What he lacks in finesse he makes up in heart. Always keep an eye on this man (for your own sake). Hits like an axe.
No. 13 Looks 70. Usually plays in the backs and very safe. Difficult to pass. Experience is an asset to the Relics. Always the first player to draw a can from the esky post match.
No. 14 Legs like tooth picks. Very skilful with great elusive skills. Relics’ Coach with a reputation for “going off the handle” at his players. Does not talk to No. 11. Can fail to finish simple opportunities.
No. 15 Stubborn midfielder who obviously hates losing. Team player. Gives his all. When this player shines the Relics win. A man we must watch as we move downhill into the finals.
No. 16 Looks like Freddy Mercury. Great left foot and equally as solid in attack or defence. Big arse like No. 4 and uses his bulk well. Like No 15 when this player is on song the Relics’ usually win.
No. 18 They call him Dallas. Probably because he is as big as Texas. Can be very volatile and obviously has some anger issues. Leading the O/45s in yellows. The Relics’ enforcer.

Well fellow Relics’, what did you think of all of that! I have passed the playbook onto the Smugglers for their perusal.

BB