Relics Rally Against 'Smugglers'

In front of hundreds of adoring home fans the Relics superstar Downhill Dave celebrated his 50th year on the planet and the team returned to form in a 3-0 loss to competition heavyweights and un-backable favourites the Budgewoi Cobwebs, affectionately known in the south as the Budgie Smugglers. This match was played in stark contrast to the Relics first round encounter against the Cobwebs who walloped the hapless Relics 6-0. Today the Relics showed much more grit and determination against the boys in canary yellow, and for most of the game took the fight right to them.

Downhill was spectacular as he tore through the Cobwebs’ defence with the ferocity of a raging triceratops. Downhill was equally as impressive in post match festivities as he celebrated in style with team mates and their families, regaling the assembled masses with tales of present and past glories. In fact, it was a jibber fest with most Relics eager to push their own barrow for any one who was willing to listen, and it seemed to this casual observer, that the more inebriated they became the better they were. Some even tried to influence the content of this match report! Now back to the match…

The Relics running uphill and into the sun in the first half conceded two relatively soft goals, but were unlucky not go into the interval 2-2. Midway through the first period The Crow hit the post after finding himself in prime goal scoring territory after some tremendous lead up work from the Relics midfield. Captain courageous, Mickledinho, also found the keeper and the crossbar from the front of goals in successive goal scoring opportunities. At this point the Relics back three were heard to mutter some unkind words in reference to the Relics striking capacity, but we won’t go there…

There was no greater signal that the Relics meant business when Diamond early in the match, and in an uncharacteristic display of speed, sprinted 20 metres in an attacking move that saw him touch the ball three times. Despite immediately signally to Coach Vic to be subbed, this display spurred on his team mates. Later in the match, however, Diamond was to earn the ire of Coach Vic as he failed to find the Bitch’s feet with a pass after the Bitch had sprinted, like a wildebeest across the African savannah, 70 metres into open territory and, with a half decent pass, seemed certain to score.

Apart from the woes of missed opportunity the Relics were dynamic in both attack and defence for most of the game. Coach Vic must have been pleased with the way his team pushed the ball around and created space, putting the cobwebs under pressure many times. Apart from Downhill, who was absolutely devastating, The Hat and Diamond were very effective in the midfield, although a post match comment from the Hat to Diamond relating to lubrication and the two of them sharing a spa was cause for extreme alarm, so much so that for the remainder of this report The Hat will be known as Back Door.

In the second half Back Door was lurking on the left (adjacent to the men’s facilities) and was continually fed good balls from The Silver Brumby. Back Door was relishing The Silver Brumby's balls and the service he was receiving and he reciprocated by feeding The Silver Brumby’s balls inturn to Coach Vic, Mickledinho, Diamond, Statue, the Bitch and the Axe.

The second half defence from the Relics was fantastic. Shadow, The Toe, Maximillion, The Silver Brumby and Banker spoiled numerous attacking forays from the quicker and more youthful Cobwebs’ strikers. Maximillion was sensational turning in a defensive performance that belied his 70 years and weary body. The Toe provided the final touch to finish a number of promising opposition manoeuvres. Banker and Shadow orchestrated some great offside plays and as usual the Man Mountain was a tower of strength in goals.

The following match, however, was in doubt as ground officials worked feverishly to fill the divot left by the Axe after a failed attempt close to goals. According to onlookers the hole left by the Axe was "big enough to catch a brown bear."

A big thank you from the team to Elise for hosting Dave’s birthday celebration.

BB