Relics Impress in Trial Win

The Relics have started season 2010 in style with a solid 2-0 trial win against Berkeley Vale last Sunday.

A stinging pre-game verbal from Coach Crow saw the rejuvenated Relics line up power to a convincing win. Coach Crow did not mince his words ordering his players to give 110% or else. He mixed a venomous death stare with a volley of abusive language to warn his chargers that anything less than their absolute best will not be tolerated. Coach Crow finished his pre-match tirade by asserting, “I don’t give a f*** if this is a trial game. I want mistake free football and if I get anything f***ing less I will have you’re a*se at training. At this point seasoned Relics began looking at each other wondering if the power had gone to Coach Crow’s head. New recruits Reckin Ball, Howler and Tony were sh**ting themselves. Mothers held their children tight. The Axe’s lips began to quiver.

In his eagerness to impress Coach Crow, Tony went too hard too early and limped from the field with a leg injury. Coach Crow has ordered intense physio for Tony and daily stints in a hyperbaric chamber to reduce his time on the sideline.

The Relics withstood some early pressure with Berkeley Vale mounting numerous attacking raids. The back four of The Banker, The Toe, Reckin Ball and Beckham, however, were more than equal to the task of repelling their opposition. As the first 20 minute third neared its end the Relics began to take charge of the midfield. Coach Crow was scintillating, a real soccer craftsman in action. Shadow, too, impressed with his deft ball-work, sending some great through balls to Darchinian and wide balls to Statue and Howler. This pressure finally led to the first goal.

The second and third periods saw the Relics take control of the game. The second goal saw Blackbeard latch onto one of Shadow’s balls and put it past the luckless Berkeley Vale goal keeper.

The Relics were a happy bunch as they left the field, obviously content with their first hit out for the season. Unfortunately this was not a view shared by Coach Crow. Coach Crow drew several players aside, including Blackbeard, and read the riot act to them about some minor blemishes in their respective games. Blackbeard took the criticism on the chin and promised Coach Crow he would be sharper and more focussed next match.

The big talking point post match (after Coach Crow left) was the bizarre behaviour of Coach Crow. The Hat has volunteered to approach Lorraine to see if she could crush a couple of Valium into his Saturday lunches.

A big thanks to Mickledinho and Man Mountain who helped out in goals.

Prior to their match the Relics were treated to a soccer spectacle as the much vaunted Kincumber All Stars took to the field for their first match. The All Stars pushed the ball around like seasoned champions and despite losing 1-0 to a Berkeley Vale All-Age 6 outfit looked dominant for the majority of the match. Best on field for the All Stars were Roy, Diamond, Brumby and Mountain.