Crowch Questions Relics Fitness

Crowch (Darchinyan has suggested we make a compound word out of Coach and Crow) has questioned the fitness levels of a number of Relics, after many came to a standstill, in a 2-2 arm wrestle with the Gosford Cavemen.

The Relics hit the paddock amid mild Autumn conditions minus Blackbeard, Dallas, George Best, Becks and Maximillion. Becks lost his battle with a calf injury following a searching pre-match fitness test ordered by Crowch. Blackbeard and Dallas obviously moonlighting as car mechanics turned up mid-match in overalls. Besty turned up inebriated and in no fit state to play while Maximillion was again missing in action.

Despite the ideal playing conditions many Relics failed to fire with many running like their grandmothers during the game. If you look closely at the blog post from Darchinyan, prior to this report, what appears to be a still photo is actually 30 seconds of real-time video footage of the Relics play mid-way through the first half. At one stage the Hat’s mum said give me a shirt and shorts, that lot out there are an embarrassment to the Kincumber Roos. It was at this point that Becks gave old Mrs Hat a stern rebuke by backing up his comrades and letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that the Relics were actually playing above themselves!

The Cavemen were first to strike at the nine minute mark, through a well telegraphed movement down the Relics right side. Many Relics stood back expecting Statue to make the simple tackle on the Cavemen’s lumbering left winger. Inexplicably Statue went missing in action, this time not in a Port Stephens bay, but down a rabbit burrow. This miss by Statue left makeshift keeper Iron Gloves stranded on his line as the ball dribbled into goal territory. It was at this point several young kid’s playing on the basketball courts received the worst possible Easter surprise. As Statue emerged from the rabbit burrow one of the kid’s screamed in excitement, look over there it’s the Easter Bunny! No it’s not replied his mate, it’s an ugly old statue. At this point both boys scampered home wailing for their mothers.

Late in the first third the Cavemen played their famous ‘turnstile move’ working a play through Reckin Ball and the Banker to register a second goal against the hapless Relics. The Relics went to the first break two goals down, looking down and out.

The second third commenced with the Relics peppering the Cavemen’s goal. The Relics soon hit back through some cunning canine manoeuvring from Howler who squirted a ball past the keeper to register his first Relics goal, after some enterprising lead-up work from the Shadow. This spurred the Relics on. Wild Thing in his first full hit out for the Relics was wreaking havoc in the left midfield, the Toe put some judicious balls downfield, while the aging ex-legend Mickledildo began to find glaring gaps in the Cavemen’s defence.

It wasn’t long before Darchinyan was able to score the Relics equalizer. The goal, however, was scored under false pretences as the diminutive Darchinyan was at least four metres off-side when he loomed onto Mickledildo’s through ball to score.
The unluckiest player on the park was without doubt the Axe. He swerved, he veered, he sneered, he charged, he sashayed, he shimmied, he glided, he was dynamite – but to no avail. He just could not put a ball through the goals.

Becks