Potential players list 2015, Don't forget to register.
We have 3 more weeks of training then hopefully we will have 4 weekends in March with trial match's organised. Remember, if you are not registered you cannot play in any trials.

Possible Line Up for Kincumber RELICS - 2015
Please let me know when you have registered as we will be limited with player numbers in 2015.
New players will be registering to play for Kincumber 45 B's as the League Championship side from 2014 has already been elevated to A's for 2015. However with some injuries and retirements to this side there will be a few spots open in the A's. These positions will be subjected to trial form and commitment to pre-season training. If there is not more than 30 registered players in 45's there may only be one team and new players may have to join a 35's or all age team. The Kincumber over 45's "Relics" which hopefully will consist of a A & B team will be training together throughout the year.
Preseason training stated on 18th January at Terry Oval (Wells Road Springfield) and will continue each Sunday afternoon between 3-4pm. Trial games will be in March date and venue TBC.

Sulo Follows in Blatter's Footsteps

In a move already rocking the football world Bin Sulo has refused to release the reins on the Relics conglomerate after previously giving every indication he would do so.
This of course follows in a similar move made by Seth Blatter to relinquish his hold on FIFA.
Asked to comment Blatter simply stated that like himself, Sulo had taken world football in a new direction and he fully approved of Sulo's decision.
Matters came to a head at the Relics annual conference where Sulo failed to chair a meeting of existing delegates and step down from his leadership role as he had previously led Relics delegates and members to expect.
The Toe, himself a distinguished Relics delegate, held a meeting in Sulo's absence with a vote to usher in new leadership in the form of delegate Shadow. Members attending that meeting also voted Sulo into the position of beer bitch.
The validity of that meeting appears to have failed with only a small number of Relics delegates in attendance.
Some of the remaining delegates who failed to attend, said meeting, when interviewed shook their heads at Sulo's decision with feigned dismay after being seen leaving Sulo's presence with pockets stuffed with cash.
One surprise absence from the conference was founding Relics delegate Hat. Hat has previously been a major player in heading his conservative faction (I hope that's right or I'm gonna cop it) and bringing a new leader to the fore when the Relics conglomerate needed a change in direction.
One can only speculate on Hat's perspective and the position he will take in this matter.
Previously, Hat, who could be considered somewhat conservative in terms of the Relics traditions and philosophy has been virulent in attacks on those that have brought these business models into question (not sure if that makes sense).
Meanwhile the Relics machine marches on towards 2015 with hopes of expansion but still looking to consolidate their core business.
Football fans across the world will now have to wait until March 2015 when registered delegates will again attempt to meet and vote on positions for the Relics.

The Steve Dunlop 'Statue' Award

Who can question the passion Brian 'Dallas' Donnelly has for 'The Relics', from rugby tackles in the penalty box to confronting comments on the blog, nothing stops this man from expressing the way he feels about 'The Relics'. 

Congratulations Dallas on being awarded 'The Steve Dunlop 'Statue' Award, very well deserved.

Major Semi - Relics V Toukley 16^th August 2014

I'm singing in the rain, singing in the rain, OH what a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!!! SING with me Relic lovers where ever you are !
Those decrepit, useless bunch of f#ck knuckles, dearly known world wide as the Relics have taken one giant step toward football immortality by outlasting the Toukley Two heads in a dour semi final played in the rain at one of the worlds premier venues Eastern Road Killarney Vale.
With a huge crowd expected, Relic management bought in the Yellow shirt heavies Howler and Banker to keep the crowd under control, whilst the crowd never got to the huge numbers anticipated it was a feisty crew just the same. Threats of a streak by Roy's partner Carol if Roy scored were fobbed off by the Yellow shirts as pure folly, "Roy will never score" Banker was heard to say as he slammed the esky lid down on Smokeys fingers as he tried to steal another bourbon and coke.
Whilst the Yellow shirts might have had the crowd under control, the pitch was looking rougher than Dildos head ! Divots, and sand traps made it look more like a hackers golf course than the premier venue this big match deserved. Coach Philby went into the game with a four, four, four, two, one line up, un heard of in the modern game, the last time this amount of players took the field was when Jesus played up front for JEURSALEM against the Roman army. Philby clearly overwhelmed by the semi final occasion had to quickly recount his team and with the help of a calculator reorganised his run on team to conform with modern day rules.

Some big changes from the previous winning team had some pundits scratching their heads in wonder. Superboot Pulloweski along with sidekick Tolley were relegated to the bench for the kick off and replaced with newly crowned Miss Thailand Rhonda along with Flemo who had begged coach Philby to play up front so he could show off to his new bride in the crowd. Serial swearer Macca had a few anxious moments when registering for the game when he was told he was actually suspended for this game as well, Macca shrugged his shoulders & told the registrar to f#ck off and was duly granted permission to play. Howler had a brief notion to punch the registrar, hoping this would allow him to play as well.

Having watched the other 45b semi final between Ourimbah & Kanwal the one & two teams were probably lulled into a false sense of security, it didn't really matter who lost our game, whoever did were sure to beat Ourimbah in the next game and Hey, a warm up game before the Grandy is not a bad tactic.......Hmmmm .... I wonder if the Two Heads had this in mind ? NAAAAH Two Heads don't think!!! and besides they have two heads to pass these thought thru, that would take extra time..... wouldn't it? I'm confused ! Are the two heads actually smarter than us... hmmmm, did they throw it? Conspiracy theories like this mean more sleepless nights for Philby as he tries to out guess their master coach.

The condition of the pitch as intimated earlier was a dead set shithole. Pele would look awkward on this rubbish tip, let alone the geriatric grade. Ball movement between players of both sides was a lottery with the ball holding up in sandpits or shooting off tufts of shitty grass, players had to wait to control the ball before offloading it and the result was a disjointed, stuttering game that didn't reflect the skill of the two teams (ahem).

Once again Toukley came out all guns blazing but this time the Relics were ready for them, Philby started the game and was running around like a dog on heat, Ball at the back was barking orders and getting his chrome dome to many an incoming bomb. Dildo, Jaffa and Macca contained the opposition with consummate ease at the back and the midfield got back and helped, Z & Steady slowed things down a bit in the middle turning the ball back to the eager Relic forwards led by Coops who had miraculously recovered from a hammy injury and was also running around like a dog on heat, fortunately he and Phil didn't stop to sniff each others butts.

Pulloweski got the call up and Flemo dropped to the backs where his booming boot would be welcome later in the match when the Relics needed to kick their way out of trouble. Upfront the Relics as usual looked the goods, but like many soccer games, kicking goals is harder than saving them. The Toukley backs led by number 4 who goes off quicker than Tolley's lighter were proving to be inpenetrable, their keeper is tighter than the bolts in Brians head and he too was proving to be a real thorn in the side of the Relic attack, even the crafty old Pulloweski was having trouble getting one past him and the teams went in at half time nil all.

Half time entertainment was ordinary considering the enormity of the game, watching Smokey try to navigate the slippery slope of the hill on crutches and then trying to get back to his seat with his bourbon and coke intact was probably the halftime highlight, in fact it probably was the high light of the whole afternoon!!

Brian Bolts turned up in his ambulance & settled in to watch the second half leaving a critical patient in the back, fortunately he left the ambulance motor running so the defribulator would stay charged just in case.

The second half continued along the same lines as the first until Coops stamped his authority on the game. Chasing a long ball cross, Coops retrieved it, turned and fired a well directed cross back into the box where Roy.... sorry Rhonda was waiting, Howlers eyes lit up " YOU CAN DO IT WATER BOY!" he cried. With one eye on Roy and one on Carol, Howler was willing the ball into the net, if Roy scores Carol streaks was the only thought running thru his mind at this point, Roy duly scored with a header that Tim Cahill would be proud of and Howler dropped to his knees thanking the football gods. Even the old guy in the back of the ambulance got up to have a peek out the window, however Carol chose to use her women’s prerogative and changed her mind, " no love it's a bit too chilly now, think I'll keep my knickers on thankyou" she explained. The old bloke collapsed back onto the bed and the defribulator kicked in.

The game meandered on with few chances for either side until Toukley decided that it was time for #4 to move up front again in a bid to turn the game, and the game changed up a gear. This guy can play and it took some aggressive defence from the Relics to keep him and his desperate mates out. Firstly Dildo and then Macca put their bodies on the line to deny the Two Heads from scoring with solid last ditch defensive efforts just outside of the penalty box. Bobby Big Hands made a great nonchalant save to tap a shot over the bar and the Toukley heads dropped, all 22 of them. The last 15 minutes was heart in mouth stuff as Toukley threw everything at the Relics, the Relics these days however are made of sterner stuff and absorbed everything Toukley could throw at them. Final score Relics one Two Heads zippo!

Once again a great result for the Relics, these two sides are evenly matched and should meet again in the Grandy, it will take a disciplined effort from the Relics to win it, Toukley have lost the last two games and will be fired up to turn things around. Another positive to come out of the weekend was Banker's claim that he may be back for the final, provided his guts are Okay'd by the doc and his wife doesn't find out he is playing! So shhhhh!!!! Go RELICS !!

Post match report:

Carol was forcibly removed from the ground by the Yellow shirts due to her poor behaviour and was red carded for the Grand final unless she agrees to streak at that game.

The old guy in the ambulance according to all reports is still in there.

Proudly sponsored by Matilda Bay Brewery & Asian Star entertainment.

Relics are Minor Premiers 45B’s

The RELICS have finally done it! Minor premiers of the biggest football competition in the galaxy. Bigger than the world cup, bigger than those pissy Commonwealth games, bigger than the Eurovision song competition and almost as big as Pullo's ego.
 Go you old fart RELICS !! What a day ! In a dream final round match up against co- leaders, The Two Heads at the field of dreams Frost Reserve, the excitement in the air was palpable. A huge crowd of past & present players, Wags and the odd homeless dude that had nothing better to do descended on the fields of dreams like a plague of locusts, eager to see if the Relics were in fact the Real Deal or there just to make up the numbers.
All had heard the plight of the team, Banker had dropped his guts ,Smokey's prosthetic leg was broken and crowd favourite Howler was up on assault charges from the previous week's game. Adding further insult to injury, Roy was still on his Thailand sexpo tour and had sent word he wasn't coming back, well....... not as a man at least, he now wants to be known as Rhonda. Meanwhile Jambo had been spotted at the Commonwealth games in Glasgow playing hockey for Scotland's womans team and now we all know what he meant when he said " OCCHH EYE I DO LIKE A WEE BIT OF SKIRT " We do too Jambo but not to wear!!!! Whats going on here girls.. I mean guys??
Regardless of these set backs, the remaining Relics turned up ready to rumble, they wanted to show these Toukley Tossers that they weren't going to roll over and give em the premiership without a fight.
It didn't start  that well though with TT totally dominating the opening 20 minutes of the game, the Relics were on their heels defending stoutly but couldn't seem to get out of there own half. A very near miss when TT hit the cross bar may have been the catalyst for the Relics to get their act together and start having a go. A couple of timely replacements probably helped as well, the entry of Coach Philby and Whiz into the game coincided with Relics going forward and taking control of the game.
Upfront Coops, who was struggling with a hamstring strain and Pulloweski were doing their best to turn the tide, unfortunately passes were miscued and the attack looked disjointed. A cross over pass to Tolley in front of goal was duly missed and as the huge crowd groaned, Tolley regathered the ball, fucked around with it for what felt like a lifetime, before backheeling (what else would he do?) to Zulu who crossed it back to Coops who headed it home. "Sucked in Toukley you guys need two heads to do that HA !" cried Tolley smugly.
From this point on the fight seemed to go out of the Two Heads, front running might be their forte but coming from behind is an art form best left to those who have  intestinal fortitude and maybe don't like looking their partner in the eyes....... sorry I digress.
The Relics second goal was delivered via super boot Pulloweski, showing the eager crowd why the Relics paid the big bucks to get him (and put up with him) the legendary goal poacher was just starting to stamp his authority on the game.
Elsewhere on the field other Relics were also beginning to dominate their opposition. The midfield were strong, subbing regularly helped, giving them the edge when needed. At the back without the steady hand of Banker and Macca, the defence was shaky and had a preference for short miss directed passes when in the box, however they soon got their act together and opted instead to kick the shit out of it and clear the ball instead of fart arsing around with it.
Behind by 2, particularly after their strong start totally took the wind out of Toukleys sails and the Two Heads started shuffling players around in the hope of reversing their fortunes. Their gun player regardless of where he plays is number 4, he is quick and skilful and has more hair than some. Moving him from the back to the front was a big call considering Pulloweski & Coops still had heaps of goals in them but TT needed a goal and he was the player most likely for them. In the second half he didn't let down the homeless guy who was actually going for Toukley , when he left 4 Relic backs in his wake as he swathed a path through them to slam home a great goal.
The parochial home crowd basically shit themselves, so did the homeless guy by the way, even though he was going for Toukley.
NO !!  they cried as one, don't let em score again, a draw would only benefit Toukley, having a draw has been described as like kissing your sister and the Toukley boys were puckering up. The Relics needed to win BRO!!
The Relics didn't let the crowd down and lifted to a new level, crowd stalwarts who have watched probably one or two Relic games were amazed at the intensity of this Relic team, "shit mate I didn't think Tolley could walk that fast" said one as Tolley attempted to chase down a through ball. Passing amongst themselves actually started to look natural for the Relics and they held the Two Head defence up like a dirty rag. Ball, Steady, Jaffa and along with Z & Tol also gave polished performances, their shining baldy pates at times blinding to the opposition, causing all sorts of confusion. Upfront Pulloweski & Coops were toying with the Toukley backline, shot after shot was deflected by Toukleys  athletic keeper & Bob and Bella were both heard to say "you can't do that son, put on a bit of weight, lose some hair, let in a goal or else we'll see you in the carpark", they growled.
Finally the old master Pulloweski threaded the needle and finished any talk of a Toukley come back, the Toukley keeper obviously heeding Bob & Bellas advice duly dived the wrong way.
A fine win by the mighty Relics and a fitting result for all of the players who have given their best efforts all year.
 A special mention must go to Philby he has borne the brunt of player's egos all year and has managed the team with dignity and fairness, well done mate! A big thanks also to Beer bitch and queens counsel Grant for his involvement to date.
First step Minor premiership ACHIEVED
Next step semi final
Go Relics!!!
The writer would like to confirm that no Tolleys were hurt in the making up of this story!

Just Passing

I was passing Frost on Saturday with Posh and the kids and noticed the Relics hard at work against the Gumbies.

I pulled over expecting the usual biff and barge I had come to expect when the Relics play their toothless, knuckle dragging, slack jaw cousins from just north. This was not to be the case, at least in the first half. High pants' brother, some lame brain with a whistle decided to turn the match into a Sunday school lesson. What a joke - friendly banter and exuberance was met with yellow and red cards. Both teams, rather than the usual dribble of obscenities, just dribbled (and not with their feet). Time hardened footballers became timid and weak, meek and mild. Tolly was lost for words. He had never spoken a full sentence without using the word f**k. The best Blackbeard could do was a stutter. Ball looked like a lost mute. The Jet Plane spoke a different tongue. Mickledildo looked for a teddy to cuddle. Dallas was just happy to get game time.  Bin trying to suck up to the ref cried, "c'mon lads, let's dig in and play with gusto and determination, tally ho" at which the Relics thought - what a wanker but were too afraid to say it or else they would be in the naughty corner too.

Half-time couldn't come quick enough for the 20 men remaining on the field. The choir-boy ref dispatched his assistants to listen-in to the half-time talks just in case there was an audible obscenity to which the linesman amongst the Relics said, "who the f**k is this c**k suc*er"

By the time the second half started most of the crowd had left as they too had received a warning from Polly Anna. The game meandered from bad to worse with both Relic and Gumbie alike unable to get into their a rhythm because it is almost impossible for fat old men to kick a ball and not swear at each other or themselves.

Then along came the Cassius Clay of Kincumber, the Muhammad of McMasters who had simply had enough!  Sick and tired of the sad and disgraceful ebb the game had fallen into decided to “float like a bee, sting like a flea” and breathe some fire into the lack lustre spoiled contest.  For at least three minutes this match reached the fantastic heights set by numerous previous encounters over the last six or seven years between these great rivals.  Hooray for Howler and hooray for the left back from Gumbie land.

For mine, if I had a vote for the annual Statue Award my vote would go to Howler.  He wasn’t about to let an impotent ref get in the way of the true Relics spirit!

In case anyone is interested Coops scored a great goal and I missed the goal from Waz. Now back to work on my handicap – of which there are many!

Becks

Round 14 match report

Firstly I would like to say sorry to all the Relic blog followers out there for not providing a match report after last weeks stimulating win over the lowly placed East Gosford. I for one did not realise that there were so many other people out there that don't have a life, to you all, I offer my sincere condolences and hope that I can serve you better in the future.
The RELICS like any other big name sporting franchise in the world can have problems from time to time within the ranks, running a smooth ship takes a dedicated captain and a skilled crew that can work together for the greater good without focusing just on personal goals. The Relics under Captain Philby this year have generally shown all the attributes necessary to win this competition, the squad has been tight and the results have come. But coming into the home straight the Relics are starting to hit some choppy waters.
Scottish super star Jambo was the first leak in the boat when he decided he'd rather work for a living than play a measly few minutes for the Relics, unfortunately no one in the side could understand his reasons for not playing anymore cause no one in the team understands Scottish, apart from Macca when he's pissed, but then no one in the team understands Macca when he's pissed either.
Next ripple to hit the Relic ship came from Banker who decided that although he had played with a stuffed pancreas for the last 5 years, now was the time to have it fixed! Man Up Boy! Many a Relic Has played out a full season without vital organs such as say....... Hearts and the odd liver, look at Posh he had no internal organs at all and he still turned up (unfortunately).
Coming into the game against arch rivals Avoca the Relics lost further players through injury or holidays and were looking a little bit vulnerable. Roy was off to a sexpo in Thailand and no one in the team begrudged him of that, Pulloweski on the other hand had a reoccurrence of the rectum tear that has plagued him all year and the team were happy with that. Smokey went down at training like a sniper had shot him, breaking his ankle and ending his season, a shame because he was playing the best he's ever played and the team were disappointed with that.
Regardless Coach Philby turned up at the new look Frost Reserve bowling greens with his happy face on, victory over the old foe would keep the Relics in equal 1st place with Two Heads Toukley, which meant the last game of the year would determine the minor ( some say major ) premiership. But firstly the Relics had to kick some Gumbie arse!!

Going for 10 wins in a row, something Ange and the Soccerooos could only dream about, Philby and his band of oddbods were quietly confident of knocking Avoca over, losing super boot Pulloweski only hours before kick off the super coach pulled out another selection masterstroke and threw Steady Ian up front. Steady, who had the previous week borne the brunt of Pulloweski's insistent calls for the ball at every opportunity must have thought he had gone to heaven, moving up to the pilots seat. Steady was now in a position to unload on the flight crew located in the midfield and demand the ball at every opportunity like a real striker should! To his credit he played the position with impunity and did his best in what turned out to be a tight first half with very few opportunities to either side.

Whilst the players were having little impact on the game the Ref was having a great time. Obviously a devout Mormon or Christian or Wowser stuck in a time warp when swearing was a capital offence punishable by death or at the least a red card, the ref ignored the fact that he had two geriatric football teams that only had one real skill left in them..... the ability to swear, and fuckin swear well, for fuckin gods fuckin sake fuck.

First man down was Macca, for gods sake this bloke swears in his sleep !!  He was red carded for saying to the Avoca striker " hey your pants are a bit fuckin high Harry" whats wrong with that Ref??? 

Five minutes later Avoca's little angry ant Sammy was overheard by the Ref castigating himself about the fact he had a small fuckin dick ! Hey Ref can't you even swear at you own dick??? The game was becoming a bloody circus (sorry ref didn't mean to swear then).

Both teams retired to the sidelines at half time and washed their mouths out with soap, the Ref was happy now and blew the whistle to start the circus up again. It didn't take long and Coops who had moved up front for the second half showed his class by not swearing as he kicked a great low trajectory strike past the Avoca keeper. Howler celebrated by screaming " great fuckin goal Coops" and was duly yellow carded.

Much like their last 9 wins the Relics seemed in total control of the match with everyone doing their jobs, even Big Bob had done his bit in the first half pulling off a great reflex save, he spent the rest of the game quietly swearing about the ref to himself.

Taking the swearing out of the game, the Ref obviously hadn't factored in, that without the discharge of emotion that swearing provides, emotions were likely to over flow in other more dramatic circumstances. It didn't take long for Howler and an Avoca antagonist to realise that without the swearing when abusing each other it just wasn't the same. "Your a poo bum" and " What are you lookin at dumb head" just don't have the same ring to them without the expletives. Stuff this they decided lets punch on instead, and so they did. Unfortunately the result was the same with both of them copping a red card.

Down to nine a side the game was expected to open up with goals on the agenda, it didn't really with both sides too tired to do much. Special guest The Prince of the Midfield, on loan from several teams, made his presence felt with a great long range bomb that dropped onto the unsuspecting keeper who pushed it into the back of the net, well done Wheats... sorry Whiz. Great goal!

A strong team effort again from the Relics. Next weeks big game against Toukley Two Heads for the premiership will be tough, the Relics are resigned to losing Macca & Howler for this game & Coops having limped off is also under a cloud. The rest of the team though are playing great and with golden boot Pulloweski due back next week the team has every chance to win. Good luck guys and remember...... NO FUCKIN SWEARING!!!!! 

Round 12  Relics V Woy Woy

The world of soccer is a fickle place, many pundits had Brazil as favourites to win the world cup, some predicted the Aussies would be cannon fodder in their pool, some people even had the audacity to write off the RELICS in a competition some people still believe to be the pinnacle of soccer competitions world wide. "Write the Relics off at your own peril", mumbled some homeless dude as he sifted through the rubbish at Kincumber Tip, "Mark my words, they'll be there at the finish" he said as he elbowed a seagull away from the 5 day old subway roll he'd just uncovered.
Can anyone believe the Relics have won their last 8 games in a row? It only seems like yesterday the Relics were licking their wounds after a 6 - 1 smashing by the Two Heads from Toukley.

For those of you who have lived in a glove box for the last 8 weeks, the Relics are peaking at the right end of the season.
Their last few games has shown the improvement in the team with everyone playing with confidence & enthusiasm, each week the Relics have to overcome an obstacle or two as players drop out through work commitments or injury, but to the teams credit each player that takes to the pitch has given 100% and bought home the bacon......... sorry homeless dude none for you !!
Training at Tuggerah 5 & 7s complex is probably a major reason behind the Relics run as the one hour hitout is a great fitness improver for those that have regularly turned up. Training from now on into the finals will return to Fagans park as coach Philby & trainer Shadow look to easing the strain on the team physically and improving the beer kitty before the end of year trip.
The line up against Woy Woy this game changed again last minute with players unavailable, the ever reliable Banker suffering from an overdose of Coke a Cola pulled a pancreas muscle and is out for the season," should have put bourbon in that coke son", lamented the Homeless dude. The rest of the Relics lamented the loss of an integral part of the team & wish Banker a speedy recovery!!!
Meanwhile Pulloweski announced his return from a rectum tear suffered from celebrating too hard after his last OUTING against Ourimbah where he nailed a hatrick. Super coach Philby jiggled the roster and the Relics did the rest.
The last meeting between these two sides was close with the Relics sneaking home with 2 late goals to win, this time it was all Relics, WW never looked like scoring in a game where Big Bob in goals had time to have a few of his favourite girls come down from Asian Star give him a massage and a pedicure without anyone noticing.
The first half was all Relics with attack at the top of the agenda, the only thing holding them back from scoring was the incomplete passing and confusion up front, Things finally settled down up front after a few heated words were spoken and the shots started to come, Pulloweski fired a shot in and it dribbled past Woy Woys keeper the Fat Controller, the big unit couldn't bend past his gut and stop what could be the slowest shot in history.

Some great crosses followed as both Howler & Tolley fired up from both sides of the field and were unlucky not to provide goals to the recipients in front of goal, Pulloweski showed his class with a fine header that hit the crossbar and Howler showed his class by missing Tolley's cross ball altogether.

Second half and the Relics continued their domination, Philby was running around like a madwomen on ice, tackling, chasing , tongueing anyone or anything he could get close to, at the back Smokey was playing himself into contention for best player in the comp with the skinniest legs, proving that playing 80 minutes wasn't beyond a fifty year old, alcoholic, heavy smoker, that can't make it thru a full training session. Well done Smokey !! best game ever!!

Meanwhile Ball was taking the position of Bankers bitch seriously, barking orders to his fellow backs and rallying the troops, & whilst Dildo didn't always agree, the backs gelled well and never looked like cracking.

The Prince of the midfield made an appearance, coincidentally against WW again, and proved to be a huge asset to the Relics, providing control and direction, The Prince was a subtle but significant influence in the Relics improvement as the game unfolded.

The Relics banged in two more goals in the second half, much to missus Howlers delight, she schemed in her mind how she would reward her Hubby's efforts that night, maybe a nice dinner? a seductive candlelit bath together? in the end she decided a bottle of red & a sleeping pill should shut him up, and Howler slept soundly dreaming of the hatrick that got away.

The Relics are proving to be the Real Deal, just don't tell Evander Holyfield.

Toukley's loss has the two teams equal 1st, but there is a long way to go for the Relics yet, everyone needs to keep their heads on and not get carried away. Well Done boys!!

This report bought to you by Howler, proudly sponsored by Pepperjack Shiraz, & would like to thank Toe's input.

Round 11 Relics V Kanwal match report

Never in Relics recent history (4 years) have the Relics flown in such rarefied air as to be sitting 2nd on the ladder in one of the most competitive and classy football competitions on the planet. Forget the world cup, forget state of origin, forget the under 12s netball comp at Adcock Park, we are talking competition at the upper echelon of all sports.
Once again going into the match against Kanwal without some of their superstars the Relics could have been forgiven for thinking their chances were a little slim, Pullo having scored 3 goals at their last outing obviously celebrated too hard and tore a rectum muscle midweek, Tolly on the other hand couldn't lift his boots due to the amount of stones in them and Brian having played the final 3 minutes of last week's game was exhausted.
Luckily the Relics are blessed with tougher men than these, & could carry the fight to the Plucky Kanwal bogans.

Super coach Philby jiggled and tweaked the roster and came up with a masterstroke starting line up that had the huge crowd of Relic faithfuls biting at the bit. Who in their right mind replaces a striker genius like Pulloweski with a fullback like Roy? PHILBY that's who !!! What a masterstoke ! Forget ANGE, lets see PHILBY coaching at the next world cup, the man has the gift of getting the best out of everyone that bends to his philosophy of bending over. Well done Super coach and well done Roy ! Roy took the challenge in his stride and didn't let anyone down, in fact he looked more comfortable than most of his predecessors in the position, even if he was bent over!

The Relics certainly have gone to another level in this competition, having smashed Ourimbah the week before 4 zip, I Think this team has finally found their feet ( just suck your guts in boys before you look down ) this team can really go the distance.

A big part of that philosophy has come from everyone agreeing with the basic idea that we all play for each other, there is no superstar in this team, everyone has something to contribute and while we all can still make mistakes, we get over it!

The Relics looked pretty good in this game, the frontline of Coops, Roy & Howler dominated the Bogans every time they got the ball, Coops in particular tore the left side apart and Roy was always ready for action in front of the posts, unlucky not to score on a couple of occasions Roy didn't give up & was always in position.

Meanwhile the mid field were doing a job on the Bogans as well. Steady was strong, lifting his head and giving some good ball, the Dildo as always was penetrative, providing some great through balls for the forwards.

God this report is starting to sound like an absolute SUCK!

Get over it !!

OK I'm back....... too much red wine.

Everyone had a great game! Flemo, Banker, Macca & Ball were impenetrable at the back(take that anyway you like), everyone else played like an absolute champion blah , blah, blah bloody blah.

The battle on the sidelines was just as intense as the onfield stuff, with Beer Bitch Grant back on deck, Bench Keeper Brian ( Bolts) was at odds as to who was running the bench," get on, get off" seemed to be the most popular call and players were running off & on causing chaos with the Kanwal game plan." How many players have this mob got?" queried the Kanwal coach, as Relic after Relic filed on and off the field like a chorus line musical act. Obviously pissed with the Relic game plan, Kanwal Coach sent out the edict to take out a Relic.... Dildo was duly kicked in the Kanakas with a close range shot & went down like a bag of shit, "get up you girl" chorused the Relic teammates, you've got no use for those nuts anyway!! Dildo rolled over with a groan and beckoned Grant to come on a rub him where it hurt.

Coops ended up killing their keeper with a tackle that would have got life in the world cup, and Howler now free from his nemesis keeper, applied the blowtorch to the Bogans soft hairy underbelly with an awkward cross/ shot that snuck thru the fill in keepers autistic hands and dribbled into the back of the net.

The Relics kicked back after the game amid the sounds of the ambulance taking the Bogans keeper to hospital, happy in the knowledge they had now moved into 2nd position. Well done Relics you deserve it!!

Report by Howler 15-7-2014

Game 10 Match Report - Relics in 3rd place V Ourimbah in 2nd
On a beautiful warm winter day we were sent to play at Eastern Oval where the sloping sides of the embankments where drenched with water but the field looked dry and flat.
A crowd of 6 Kathy , Ida , Claudine from London via Belgium , Darby , Max & Kas were there to watch some magic.
Showing true heart Brian & Tony put their hands up to make up the bench as we were low on numbers through injuries , personal things & Howler going to the Katoomba Winter Magic Festival to demonstrate his Interpretative Dance.
Starting on the bench we had Tony, Tolly, Brian & Jaffa with only 3 good legs between them.
All were happy to sub but all pleaded to be put into a position with no running!
The 1st half wasn't too good as the field had plenty of rough patches & holes - Flemo whilst going for a delightful stroll down the pitch suddenly lurched forward like JFK in 1963 & tumbled into a hole , climbing out he reckoned he found the missing Malaysian Flight.
Mick was another casualty twisting his ankle in another rough patch.
The frustration was growing as the ball bounced erratically & passes fell short or stopped dead in sand traps however we kept pressing & had some attempts at goal.
Pullo arrived just before half time after some much needed beauty sleep & booted up.
The 2nd half started with much better play & after a shove in the box we were awarded a direct penalty which Macca volunteered to take.
Not long after a beautiful cross from Wheats landed for Coops who shot & hit the crossbar which Phil neatly headed in - don't mention the penalty.
A short time later with the relics ongoing pressure Pullo scored - don't mention the penalty.
Again after good lead up and passing by Flemo from the back Pullo scored - don't mention the penalty.
Brian ran on in the last few  minutes & set up Pullo for another great goal - don't mention the penalty.
End result 4-0 ( don't mention the penalty )
Congratulations guys a great game by all , keep it up.

Grant