Glory days may be over.

Once a star Striker, then hero Fullback.

The question is...'Has his absence earned him a position on the bench?'  

Need a hug mate?

Rains Saves 35s

The rain has saved the 35s from a humiliating defeat.

Line up Trial 3

CANCELLED

Henry Kendall HS is NOT Gosford HS

Cnr of Racecourse Rd & Batley St, between Hospital and Tennis courts.

PARK IN BATLEY ST. (Side gate entrance)

Relics Give Youngsters a Lesson

The Relics have continued their sparkling pre-season form with a solid 1-0 win over an eager Southern Ettalong United O/35s at Narara Valley High School.

The Relics, seemingly strengthened by the unavailability of Whiz, Dallas, Dukes and Statue, pushed themselves hard in sweltering heat to give their much younger foe a footballing lesson. Everything seemed to be against the Relics: age; heat; a fresh bench (SEU had eight the Relics had two); and the referee (a blind bungling Bung). Despite these setbacks the win was comprehensive.

Coach Old Crow was beaming post-match, gushing praise on his aged warriors (apparently he won $50 with a bet with the opposing coach). His joy, however, paled in comparison to the sheer queer delight expressed by Smokey and Toe (see story below). Note to Relics – Shadow and Caviar were appalled by this behaviour and would like to stress it is not characteristic of the backs in general.

The win was built around their fortress-like defence. Shadow, Toe, Smokey, and Caviar were sensational. Everything that SEU threw at them, the boys at the back returned with interest! The much younger and faster SEU strikers never looked like scoring.

The Relics goal was scored after Mickledildo saw an opening and thrust a shot into the top left corner of the goal.

Everyone had strong games with Hat, Axe, Blackbeard and Howler acquitting themselves well in the heat.

Josh also did a great job fishing the balls out of the channel.

Becks

Hows to Make A Statue jealous !!

After a successful 1-0 demolition of the combined might of Southerns Over 35s teams, it is understandable that our 13 players would be tired. SEU had a squad of 21 who couldnt break the impentrable defence, ably assisted by our stand in keeper "Bloss". The combination of heat and long grass was understandably tiring, but not so much that the lads couldn't engage in further hi jinks. In the absence of our regular statue, Tony stripped off whilst Grant snapped on the latex gloves and applied the lubricant. What we didn't expect of Butts in his standin role (hur ,hur get in stand in!!) was for him to develop a smile as well. Obviously Statue has rubbed off on us more than we'd thought. A great days guys, well done. Also note that due to popular acclaim we will now play next Saturday, same time same place.

Line up Trial 2

Crowson- Osieck. Co-incidence? I Think Not !

Those who have been following Blackbeards post about his rejection by our national coach will have noticed that I originally suggested Arnold may wish to borrow from Crowch's playbook.

Now we find that not only has Blackbeard been hobnobbing with Holger but that Crowch has been secretly meeting to share his playbook.!! WTF ?

The evidence is presented here. No wonder Blackbeard couldn't get a look in, Holger has already consulted Crowch! Its well known that Crowson is originally derived from German, simply being an anglicization of "Krauts son". I can understand that Holger is impressed by Pete's methods, the fact that the Relics can string two passes together given our team make up is a mighty coaching effort. Pete can deny it all he wishes, but who else gets the private ear of the national coach, rather than just hogging photo opportunties? Are we in danger of losing our Coach to the Socceroos? Despite his surname, existing Socceroos assistant coach, Vidmar, is Australian, and I can understand Osieck wishing to bolster his playing style by having an assistant who is a descendant of his country. Don't do it Pete, your team needs you way more than your Country. CapnHat

Blackbeard turns down Holger's Offer

Talks broke down between the National Coach and Blackbeard in regard to his socceroo call up.

It is believed there was a disagreement in regard to the design of a green and gold bandana.

Blackbeard also sighted that 'The Relics' were an internationally recognised outfit and he was not prepared to compromise the great deal he had signed with 'The Brains Trust'

Reporter Bud Wiser

So there you go guys, look like you are stuck with me.

Coach and Assistant Coach at Loggerheads

Former Kincumber great and Relics’ Assistant Coach Max ‘Bung’ Bourne has launched a scathing attack on the Relics after a narrow, but convincing 3-2 trail win against the Gosford Cavemen at Narara Valley HS yesterday. He described the team’s effort as “pathetic” and “lacking class”. This criticism has placed Bung at odds with Coach Old Crow who described the win as a “great first hit out”.

Bung became more and more agitated as the match progressed (and the esky emptied), continually barking suggestions from the sideline. Bung was particularly incensed with Howler and his positional play and Ball for “not keeping his head up”. He also described Sulo as “pedestrian”. To their credit, and obviously recognising their own limitations, Howler, Ball and Sulo sought out Bung post-match to seek some further guidance on how they could improve their respective performances. Bung was more than happy to oblige.

The Relics’ were on the back foot early being down 2-0 after two minutes. Despite this early set back the Relics never really looked troubled and were able to maintain possession with ease. After some great lead up work the Axe was able to chop his way through the Cavemen defence to steer a great through ball from Dukes into the back of the net. This was the first goal of a double for the Relics’ form striker. The Relics went to the first quarter break down 2-1 but they should have been four or five goals up. Dukes, Mickledildo and Whiz all missed simple chances from in front of the goals.

In the second quarter the Relics’ were able to draw even after Dukes converted a penalty. Again, the Relics’ dominated possession and could have scored numerous times but some great goal keeping from the Cavemen goalie saved the day for them.

The third quarter was a scrappy affair. The Relics’ seemed to lose their width with the midfield becoming goal hungry relishing the opportunity for individual glory. Darchinyan in particular nearly wore out his right boot taking unlikely shots from all angles.

In the final quarter the Relics’ reverted back to their team game and it wasn’t long before the Axe loomed onto a ball in the box to seal the victory.

All in all this was a great hit out for the Relics’ and when they played as a unit the midfield looked great combining well with the backs and the strikers.

Congratulations too to Statue and Dallas who, although missing the match, represented the RFS and Ambos respectively with distinction on parade.

Becks

Socceroo call up could spell trouble for Relics

Holger Osiek and Relics midfielder Blackbeard (pictured left) were this evening in a meeting discussing what possibly could be a Socceroos call up for the ageing midfielder "You cant always look at age in these matters, it is the type of player that is needed that is more of a concern to me, Blackbeard could fill that role currently left vacant by Vince Grella" stated the National Coach.


The Brains Trust have been trying to contact Blackbeard but he is not taking calls.

The Relics await further news on what decision their marquee midfielder will make.

Sports Reporter - Bud Wiser

Guys, I wanted you to see this first before things get out of hand - Blackbeard

Where's The Team's Match Diagram?

Come on 'Brains Trust' you know we are totally lost without your sketch showing where we are playing.

The Strength of the Wolf is the Pack

We will have our Relics strip for our first game on Sat.

Please let us know if you can not make the trial.

Speaking of look-a-likes...

The following is a dead ringer for Mickledildo!

Lookalike

Whilst browsing a few old Who songs on U-tube and seeing Pete Townsend I had that eery feeling that he was about to yell on field instructions to me, it was then I noted the similarity of these two characters.
Agree, disagree ? Couldn't give a hoot?

Relics 2011 Form Guide

As season 2011 approaches, and after three pre-season training runs, it is time to run a form eye over each Relic.
2. Dukes – Was safe as a bank as sweeper but rumoured to be striker in 2011. Old Crow is looking for more strike power up front but will this leave a hole in defence – time will tell. Has looked sharp at training but still disappoints post match with his aversion to the amber ale. Will look the winner at some stage.
3. Wreckin’ Ball – Has trained hard in the off season with the Mundine camp and will be ready for any rough stuff that comes his way in 2011. Former hockey international who still goes for his stick in pressure moments. Could be in for a big year. One to watch.
4. Wild Thing – Has worked hard in the off-season and looks to have lost at least 40 kg. An imposing figure in both defence and attack. Has obviously been working with his brother-in-law on his skills. Gives no quarter and hates sulo bins! Will make his presence felt.
5. Old Crow – Almost unanimous choice as player-coach in 2011. Commands some respect. An old head on old shoulders. The Zvonimir "Ralé" Rašić of the 45s division. Picked up the nickname Old Crow, not because his surname is Crowson, but because he actually looks like an old crow! One for the multiples.
6. The Toe – Veteran defender. A smiling assassin who always arrives in the nick of time to thwart opposition attacking forays. A crowd favourite who lives for the limelight. Consistent. Look to him to have another great year. Sponsored by Kincumber Podiatry. Keep safe.
7. Becks – Superstar. The Black Caviar of 45s football. The one to beat.
8. Shadow – More starts than a Victa lawnmower. Aging tyro who maintains his zest for football. Spent the off-season on stud duties and seems to have grown an extra leg! Mentor to younger Relics. A team man in a team game. Look for the Shadow to lift the team when the going gets tough. Take on trust.
9. Howler – Turned 50 in secret several weeks ago. Makes him 9 in human years. Has an advantage in that he can lick his own nuts! Speed to burn but hampered in the pre-season with a hamstring injury – his hamstring beats 70 times a minute at rest! Might find the others too classy.
10. Statue – Shook of rumours about his sexuality by appearing semi naked, with hose in hand, in the 2010 RFS male calendar. Old Crow unsure whether he is better at the back or upfront. Fellow Relics have said neither! Loves having a shot and unflappable in defence. Look to him to again be a strong performer in 2011. Keep safe.
11. Blackbeard – A spirited Relic who has a fitness edge on his rivals. Renown for long piercing rapier-like runs in attack. Adds strength to the Relics midfield. Plundered a number of goals in 2010 and sure to do the same in 2011. A safe bet.
12. The Axe – Juvenile of the field. Runs like an injured razorback. A great team player who gives nothing less than 100%. Skills have developed markedly in recent seasons. Sports TAB have The Axe at $2.30 and favourite to be the top scorer for 2011. Has been banned from bringing his mobile phone on course. Watch market moves.
13. Mickledildo – Returns to the Relics after a year in the wilderness. Has become a full-time footballer in his quest to try and regain the central midfielder position for the Relics. Look to him to penetrate in 2011. Will have plenty of shots on goal but conversion rate could be a problem. Look for a spirited run.
14. Darchinyan – Reigning 45s Player of the Year! Light-flyweight. Pound for pound one of the best going around. Will appreciate working with Dukes upfront. Very pretty footwork and skills on the ball. Look to Darchinyan to punch a few in the back of the net in 2011. Market mover.
15. Smokey – 2010 rookie who has started 2011 where he left off in 2010. Had a memorable year in goals in 2010. Old Crow looking at his options for Smokey in 2011. Looks to be developing great defensive skills. A smokey for players’ player in 2011. Drawn a bad alley.
16. The Hat – Tasmanian who swapped the Sherrin for a Mitre some years back. Many think this was a silly decision – but not his fellow Relics. Rules the left side of the park! Has looked sharp at training. Look to him to dominate his opposing number. I’m sure we will be tipping our hats to The Hat in 2011. Up in the weights.
17. Whizz aka Beer Bitch – On loan from Wyong FC. Looks to have stripped fitter for 2011 and this should take some pressure of his ‘glass’ ankles. Pre-season form looks promising but will need to lift his game in the bitchin’ department. Shows promise but injury prone! Week to week proposition. Prefer to see.
18. Dallas – The enforcer. Had trouble with ‘roid rage in 2010. Still awaiting the analysis of the ‘b’ sample taken by CC Football at the end of the 2010. Could be scratched for the season. If this is the case the Relics will miss his no nonsense attitude. Fingers crossed that Dallas gets a start. Returning from suspension.

$100 Club.

Hi guys

We will be doing the $100 collection again this year, it will go towards ref fees and w/e away.  You can if you like pay in installments just see me to have your name crossed off.

Relic Drowns During Training

Despite being used to ingesting vast quantities of liquid, the Relics found conditions difficult during Saturdays get together. From the 42 degree heat, of the previous the weekend, we then had to cope with ankle deep water and pelting rain a week later. It would be fair to say we've seen most of mother natures underbelly. Coach Crowch, demonstrating his normal common sense, only got out of his car once everybody else was saturated. Howler used the tried and tested "my hammys sore" excuse to display the sartorial elegance of a mid thigh raincoat in a touching shade of blue. It was slightly gathered at the waist with a tuck at the back and was complemented by a fetching set of boots.

The rest of us got on with the game, but showed why the break is too long, as the touches were quite rusty, or did the water cause that? Wild Thing showed his future Manager potential (note that for next year guys) by setting up a shelter, but forgot to sandbag it!! New BB Wiz excelled although it was noted that he left the esky in the open, vulnerable to pilfering or cosmic rays. Note to BB, always keep the Esky protected.!!Next week same place, same time but without CapNHat whos going to visit his 402,000 relatives in Tassie.

Practice Matches- Keep these Times Free

Hi Guys.

As mentioned last Saturday, we have 3 practice matches scheduled for March as follows:

Saturday 5 March Kickoff 3pm
Saturday 12 March Kickoff 3pm
Saturday 26 March Kickoff 3pm

Opponents yet to be confirmed but we are hoping to play Gosford O 45, Southern 35C and Doyalson O 45.

Please note dates for your diaries.

Don't forget rego this Saturday and Sunday as well.

CapnHat

Reds Down Blues at the Bridge

Up 50 million pound from the sale of the little bull (thanks Chelsea) the Reds stamped their authority over a lack lustre looking Chelsea.
Go you Reds.
No need to comment Mick, just pack your Chelsea gear away!

Unamed Relic Collapses in Heat

An unamed Relic has collapsed after a two-hour training session in 45 degree heat.



The Relic, obviously feeling a little dehydrated, stripped bare to try and cool himself and collapsed. Luckily, Relic ambos Dallas and Blackbeard were on hand to provide the 'kiss of life'.

It is understood the unamed Relic quickly rehydrated with a dozen Tooheys and is looking forward to training next Saturday.